Cabin Notes: a Don't Wants list

And some dos.

In 2007, when I was convicted of felony assault of a police officer, one of my court fulfillments was 200 hours of community service. I was a junior in college, finally settled into my major of journalism. I was working multiple jobs, taking a full courseload, and spending 3-4 nights a week either at a cappella practice or at gigs. Historically, I had been quite good at math, but math does not always translate to a deeper understanding of numbers. Two hundred was a big number, but it wasn’t that big, was it?

It was, in fact, a big number. And my error in waiting to accomplish that number only increased the size of it. By the time I started to undertake two hundred hours of community service on top of what was already a crammed day, I ended up finding myself in an entire semester of four hours of sleep almost every night. There wasn’t a choice, just a court date.

And so it was: I woke up at 5am to go to community service then to class then to work then to class then to community service then to my other job then more class then practice then community service then out then bed, over and over in various cocktails. You’ll notice I said out because I also refused to let this impact the most enjoyable part of my life. I was 22. I was young and virile and nimble and really, really stupid.

Now, I am 40. And going from job to newsletter to daycare to book to job to newsletter to toddler to weaning to illness to work to illness to newsletter to job and maybe, maybe, to bed—well it’s rivaling 2007. Except at least in 2007 I was having some fun.

A dear friend of mine once told me that the key thing to know about parenting was that it made your lows lower, but it also made your highs higher. Maybe those highs are coming, because they’re not in the first two years, I’ll tell you that. I’ve been thinking about those highs. When was my last high? And how can I balance out these lows a little better? On a recent call with my therapist, we talked about my difficulty in assessing what I want. For most of my life, knowing what I want, what the Spice Girls would say I really, really want, has been difficult. I know what I should want, I know what I want right now, I know very well what other people want me to want–but broadly? In my life? Unclear.

To help resurrect me from shell mode, my therapist proposed a little game for me. Instead of the too immediate I want to wean this baby and the arguably too broad I want financial independence, I should instead make a list of Don’t Wants to help me recalibrate after this particularly draining season of life. And so, let us begin.

What I Don’t Want:

• I don’t want to only live here for the next 20 years. I want this house, I want this valley, but I don’t want to only live here.

• I don’t want to spend more time on corporate writing than personal writing

• I don’t want to feel like I have to explain why I’m writing a romcom

• I don’t want to stop at four pets!

• I don’t want to wear joggers every day because they’re practical and easy to clean and comfortable (wearing them right now)

• I don’t want to be driven by comfort!

• I don’t want to have skin this dry

• I don’t want to be the only person who schedules doctors appointments or buys birthday presents!

• I don’t want every bra I own to be “supportive”

• I don’t want to stop acquiring plants

• I don’t want to pretend recognition doesn’t matter to me 😫

• I don’t want anyone to list resilient in their top three adjectives of me anymore

• I don’t want every pair of shoes I own to have good traction

• I don’t want to keep struggling to find a good hair colorist, I’ll tell you that

The great thing about starting a Don’t Want List is that you can see how some how of these readily translate into Wants. I want more plants. I want more pets. I want supple skin, I guess. Some are still hard to translate, though. If I don’t want to live only here, what does that look like? Where else do I want to live? Do I live there, or am I just traveling there? What about the bajillion pets it sounds like I plan on having?

Still, while writing this list, real Wants materialized that weren’t just opposites. Here are some that happened just during the writing of the above.

In fact, a few things I do want:

• I want a deck I can walk out onto from my house

• I want really fucking blonde hair, so so blonde

• I want more tattoos!

• I want to finish writing a book this year

• I’d like to find a recipe or two I actually enjoy cooking (if you’re like I have the one! please keep in mind my biggest struggle in the kitchen is timing)

• I want to re-learn how to froth milk so I can make a really good chai latte at home (unclear why this feels… daunting when I’ve both done it before and have the tools)

• I want to go to an all-inclusive resort and veg out

• I want nice patio furniture

• I want to sit on my patio in the sun in a nice chair with a chai latte and a good book

I have frequently recommended the podcast Money for Couples for anyone interested in other people’s lives and finances, and one of the things that draws me back to that podcast over and over is how Ramit Sethi helps people think about and ideate against their “rich life.” Does their rich life include regular travel? Does it include fancy clothes? Is it just a good latte and a good book with enough time to enjoy it? Sometimes, he’ll ask people to describe a regular Tuesday in their rich life, ten, fifteen years from now. And I’m always hung up there. Is it so different from what I’m doing now?

In many ways, no. I want to be in a beautiful location. I want to be tending (more) animals. But I do want to be wearing higher quality clothes, but with the willingness to get them dirty. I’d like to be more immersed in the community of writing, talking about it, working with friends and peers. I’d like a massage always on my calendar. I’d like to have more regular evenings with friends, doesn’t matter if it’s a dinner party or out for cocktails, or sitting in the yard with the kids. I don’t care. I’d just like a little more of that.

It’s always easy to get lost in the day to day, especially when responsibilities are stacked. I’ve found myself adhering a little too strictly to the rules of Life Jenga, forgetting I could just knock it down and use these pieces to build something else. And so the Wants and Don’t Wants are being printed for my desk, so I can map them like a cartographer.

I’d love to hear some of yours.