This week in the cabin - Aug 23

Conviction, intuition, and vindication.

Conviction is a debated topic in this pile of logs. It’s something Ben feels is fraught with issues (given that it’s committing to an idea without evidence) and something I have been aching for since I was 23. Conviction was something that came easily to me when I was younger. If my gut told me something, that was all the evidence I needed.

Then, I found a tumor in my neck, tried to get help, and couldn’t. No one believed me. You’d think after a year of hounding doctors and finally getting an accurate diagnosis that it was in fact a parotid tumor and that I would need surgery, that I would feel vindicated. Instead, I felt exhausted. My intuition had been questioned, ignored, insulted, and diminished so repeatedly that my ability to trust myself splintered and collapsed. It only took a year. It’s taken many to build it back.

Last week, Banzet started acting strangely. I mentioned it in this newsletter. I also said that after a full day of sleeping, he started acting normally again. But then it shifted. It ebbed and flowed. There were moments when he was fine, but there were obviously moments when he wasn’t. He was sleeping more than normal. He wasn’t as quick to purr. He felt skinnier. And where were his Zoomies?

So I texted the vet. But first, I told Ben I was texting the vet. We debated. Ben took the position that Banzet was acting fine some of the time, so this wasn’t a reason to go. I said it was. I was sure. And Ben said, “you’re sure? You’re 100% sure?” He was incredulous. And I still said yes — I was sure. I heard what my gut was telling me and I was going to stand by it.

I took Banzet in this past Saturday. The vet suspected bladder crystals, and did an ultrasound. There weren’t obstructions, but we’d need to test his urine.

“His balls are also, well, huge, so let’s move up his neutering to Monday.”

So I took him back to the vet on Monday. They tested his urine: fine. They tested his blood: fine. So they started to prep him for the neuter. One of the vet techs was nuzzling his face to keep him calm when she noticed something.

“His breath stinks.”
“Yeah kitten food is pretty bad.”
“No, his breath really stinks.”

They found two impacted teeth in the back of his mouth, deeply infected. One of his adult teeth was trapped behind a baby tooth caught in his gums. It was swollen and pussing. That’s why he was sleeping so much. That’s why he’d gotten so skinny.

Not only did the vet remove his two balls, but two of his teeth as well.

I was right when Snoots started acting lethargic. I was right when Cooper started falling. I was right when Banzet stopped playing. I had conviction. And I agree with Ben: I think conviction without evidence is a dangerous thing when you’re not an expert. But I am an expert in these boys. I’m their person.

Intuition is a hard-won thing. Trusting yourself takes practice, especially when the doubts of others roll in like fog, blurring your vision. For years I have been working on getting to a place where I could simply close my eyes and trust my footing. This week, I did that, and I’m taking my time to honor it.

Reading

• Wirecutter isn’t what it used to be. Why?

• This new game for the NYTimes is like Code Names, but you play by yourself. I wish there was a practice mode, because I want to play for hours.

• Caring for a forest.