When's your off-season? - #14
Time to schedule it.
Do you have a personal off-season? Can you?
My life here is supported by a resort town. There’s not a single amenity in our “town”, so we head into the actual town 25 minutes away for restaurants, stores, salons, etc. Those businesses all operate on a resort schedule, which is the closest American Industry gets to European. Beginning in late October through early December, hours are reduced and many places close up for a well-earned off-season. And I love every moment of minor inconvenience. Good for you, Siam Thai. Get out of here! No problem, ski shop. You go climb those mountains.
Unfortunately my own sanctioned off-season this time of year probably looks like yours: here are two days off — we know you’re likely spending them negotiating familial relationships, walking on Covid eggshells, trying to recover from years of getting hammered by 40-hr-work-weeks that are actually boundary-less tethers to tiny dinny nightmare sounds coming from your tracking device, all while cooking an actual feast you haven’t practiced in a year — but we hope you come back refreshed on Monday because Carl scheduled that 8am. (Carl thinks we should be back in the office because he’s a sycophant who believes the American Dream is real. Carl doesn’t give a shit what timezone you’re in.)
Corporate jobs don’t have off-seasons. And no, vacation days don’t count, because the point of shutting down the whole business is that there’s not 738 emails waiting to destroy your newly replenished zen when you get back. Which is why I believe in manufacturing your own off-seasons: breaks from fitness, upping the frequency of takeout meals, a pre-determined month of caring less when the house is a mess, a couple weeks’ work of “phoning it in” which I love and have loved since college when I realized it was possible to give a C performance and still get A- life results. And to be clear, despite years of professional work promoting it, I’m not talking about self-care. I am instead talking about self-reallocation-of-care. For me, the perfect off-season isn’t punctuated by massages and elaborate tea routines, it’s just doing a whole lot less of the bullshit and a whole lot more of the best shit.
But what is the best shit?
I have to give my brain a long enough break from the day-to-day to even figure out what a fulfilling day even is. A natural place to start here is to just think about what you’re grateful for. But when I’ve attempted gratitude journals in the past, it gets a little old writing “my legs, Finn, Ben, parents, the outdoors” over and over again. So instead, I like to think about what I regret. After all, when we sit around talking about what we’re grateful for, we’re just dancing around what we regret, or more often, what we’re attempting to not regret, e.g., ignoring your children, spending your life at a desk, never seeing Paris or whatever. Gratitude is a nostalgia-laced reverence, a practice of really nesting in the good things brought into our lives, where regret is that same nostalgia-driven awe, just this time with a big ole complicated layer of “whoops.”
I only have one serious regret — the rest all fall under the categories of “learning experiences” and “well what are ya gonna do.” (I guess the third category is “yes, I absolutely wouldn’t have gone to that restaurant that night” but that’s rewriting history — not choosing a better decision.) My biggest regret is when I had something really good and I let another person convince me it wasn’t. Or, in more explicit terms, I had a popular Tumblr from 2010-2013 that was optioned into a book and instead of converting that audience to a newsletter or different platform and continuing to write for myself, I just let it die because my Worst Boyfriend™ convinced me it (and I) were trash.
I used to resent him for that, but it was my choice. There will always be people who want to influence your decisions — usually not with any malice. But an off-season, a time when I let my brain get a full dose of introspection, allows me to pay closer attention to what’s bringing me real joy and flow immersion. When I can pay attention like this, and burrow into that feeling, I’m not so easily led astray in the woods.
Sort of like moving to this town in the first place.
“Isn’t that kind of far from a hospital?”
“Aren’t you worried about avalanches?”
“Do you even have snow tires?”
I had conviction around this decision. (To be fair, I also didn’t have any manipulative sacs of bitterness in my circle anymore.) Which brings me to the present, an off-season if I ever had one. Living somewhere without endless city entertainments, my job in transition with our budget slashed, friends to see in person at a near all-time low, and only six hours of actual sunshine — there’s not a lot to do but dedicate myself to figuring out what I want to do with myself.
At the tail-end of my last off-season, I and three other women set out to read Designing Your Life together. I was swimming with big ideas and bigger dreams, and I needed to shape the clay of them into something I could use, which is exactly what that book advertised it could help with. For the most part, I really enjoyed that book, but one exercise struck me as particularly futile. It asked for you to write down a thing you love, e.g., “the outdoors” or “making to-do lists”, and then make a word web in all directions under a time limit, and at the end, circle the words you wanted to be a bigger part of your life. I remember thinking this was so dumb. Then earlier this week, I came across all these old papers while unpacking. Here are the words I circled:
Home decor
Sharing
Community
Inspiration
Tropical
Rustic
Connection
Stories
Newsletter
*Gestures around at exactly what I’m doing right now, in a house I themed #tropicabin, sharing my stories and building a little community of people who care via a newsletter.*
Which brings me back to my big regret: abandoning the blog I worked tremendously hard to build. I knew when I was working on that blog that I was fulfilled. Is it ironic to do years of on-and-off soul-searching to come to the same conclusion that you did years ago? This is the plot of countless successful movies, after all. It took me a few years, and a couple very good off-seasons, but here I am, spinning my regret back in the gratitude direction.
So I want to say thank you for supporting this writing endeavor. I don’t wake up each day excited to log in to work, but I do wake up excited to work on this. And I still get questions that make me doubt myself.
“Are you trying to just build your name so you can pitch other places?”
“Do people actually read it?”
“It seems a little aimless?”
But thanks to the right kind of rest, my conviction is happy to answer: no, yes, so?
We have to give ourselves off-seasons. It wasn’t that long ago that humans knew a couple hundred people and read the paper and a few books. We have got to give ourselves a break because no one else is going to give it to us. Shut your kitchen down. Shut your social down. Put an out-of-office on your personal email. We need our own permission slips to care less about some things so we can care more about finding and funding and defending the things that light us up.
Here’s my recommendation for a little Sunday journaling in the afternoon sun: Use the past week of stirring up the pot of gratitude to see which regrets are adding that depth of flavor to the stew. Write down all the joy-giving things in your life, from things you do frequently to things you rarely get to do. Then, write down your regrets and what you would do differently. The reality is, we can always start “differently” right now. Be more honest, commit more deeply, love bigger, draw stronger boundaries, and so on. Finally, give yourself a time-constrained off-season. Put it on the calendar. “Do not spend time picking up the house.” Because it doesn’t matter how good your list of loves’n’loathes is if you don’t give your brain the space to figure out how to apply that to your life.
So when I’m re-shaping that ball of clay called life, I try to remember this:
Gratitude tells us what we’re getting right
Regret tells us what we could get right
And rest tells us how
It’s been almost a decade since I was this excited about my own ball of clay. It took one off-season to realize what I had, one to realize what I wanted, and this one to finally pursue it. Thank you being the ones to help me shape it.
Lounge and Match
Speaking of off-seasons, earlier this week I asked Instagram for a suggestion: the perfect two-piece matching set of comfy (and warm!) house-clothes that could work as pajamas, but also look good when you’re letting the dog out and see half the neighborhood. Otherwise known as the ultimate off-season outfit.
My biggest issue with the current offering for feminine body shapes is that all the tops are either cropped or enormous, and the pants are either essentially leggings or wide-legged. My dream housefit is cute, comfy, and matching, but it is not wide-necked or wide-legged. It’s longer pants, cuffed at the bottom to keep in heat, a slouchy waistband ideally with a cinch, paired with a shirt that fits and doesn’t have a weird boatneck or show your back/belly you bend or reach. In addition to all of this, it has to be warm. If I have to wear a baselayer under it or a sweatshirt over it when it dips below 60 in the house, it’s not serving its function.
And y’all delivered! You collectively suggested 20 different brands. Here they are, in no order until the bottom.
Quince - too many options.
Eberjey - this combo does look comfy and appropriately slouchy, but it has a boat neckline and unfortunately my collarbone does in fact get cold.
Skims - a number of people I know swear by Skims for underwear, but their sets fell short for me. Either too little coverage or too… ridiculous?
Pact - Ben loves Pact, and they do have great eco-conscious basics, but they’re not advertised as sets, and their website overwhelmed me with so many high-water sweats and boat necks.
Marine Layer - this one was a top contender, and there were a few other options, but ultimately I went with something else.
Prana - lack of slouchy comfy pants.
Madewell - they have some interesting options, but this was closest to what I wanted and I didn’t want flowers.
Lunya - obviously very pretty stuff here, but none of it looked warm enough to be worn by itself when the house dips below 60 degrees.
Girlfriend Collective - there were some good options, but I (and this is dumb) was overwhelmed by their website.
Vuori - I love Vuori, absolutely buy some of their looser-fit joggers, but I got irritated browsing because everything was either cropped or a zip hoodie, and I don’t want a cold ass zipper resting on my decolletage when I’m chilling with my coffee.
Outdoor Voices - the Cloud Knit is too light for what I’m looking for, and unfortunately I sort of gave up on OV years ago because they seemingly never have anything in stock.
Cosabella - too drapey.
Athleta - I actually really like this.
Aerie - their styling this season wasn’t for me, and there’s this.
Pangaia - this was a little out of my price range this round, but there’s a reason.
Velocio - I really liked the AeonFlux vibes happening here, but budget was a limiter.
Winners:
United by Blue - ultimately it came down to ankle cuffs, waist cinching, closed necks, the ability to wear it outside and look cute, and the line, “ready to sleep in.” They get a “It's a start” on the good on you scale.
Everlane - look I died when I saw these. Plus, the sweatshirt comes with a high collar and wrist cuffs. And it looked warm as fuck. My only concern with Everlane is its rating doesn’t quite match with its advertising.
MATE the Label - this brand is one of the only ones on this list that gets a “great” rating for eco-responsibility. (So does Girlfriend Collective.) After all, “the fashion industry is currently responsible for more annual carbon emissions than all international flights and maritime shipping combined.” So it’s imperative we stop using clothes as a revolving personality like I did in the past. Try rotating scarves and well-made necklaces. Have some hats. That all preached, I was overwhelmed by the options.
Got a housefit you love? Or that you hate? Comments are open on this post, so tell everyone what you’re wearing to get the mail, log in to work, walk the dog, cuddle the cat, go to bed, make coffee, and read this newsletter.
I’m joining in the comments to say: https://fahertybrand.com/products/legend-waffle-yule-jogger-midnight
I also had a blog that was so fulfilling for me. I had so much FUN writing it but I convinced myself it wasn’t gonna work. Now I have a newsletter that I wrote for fun :)