Advice about babies, grown and otherwise

Safe for ages 0-99.

Most advice for new parents is trite. It’s either “time goes so fast” or “everything is a phase.” One I find patronizing and inactionable, the other I find bleak and obvious. But that’s not to say I haven’t come across good advice. There are three rules I live by with this baby, and the more I live by them, the more I can see how useful they are for life broadly.

1. Don’t do without the baby what you can do with the baby.

This isn’t saying if you can take the baby to the bar, take them. (Although…) Rather, it’s saying don’t spend your precious baby-free time doing shit like folding clothes or putting away dishes if you could do those things with the baby. When that baby is with another caregiver or asleep in a crib, that is the only chunk of uninterrupted time you will be given so use it for things that you wouldn’t want interrupted. Read a book. Do your finances. Put your beloved headphones in and dance for ten minutes with your eyes closed.

Embracing this advice was a challenge at first because wow can you whirl through chores when the baby is asleep, but then, when the baby wakes up, not only are there still chores to do, but now you can’t do any of the other stuff. This baby doesn’t want to quietly contemplate death while reading Joanna Ebenstein’s Memento Mori. This baby doesn’t want to sit contemplatively looking out over the landscape, keeping their hands to themselves while you enjoy a scalding hot cup of coffee. This baby doesn’t want to watch your 7-step skincare routine unless you hand over every single product for him to pour exuberantly on the floor.

You know what this baby does want to do though? Chew on various spoons while you put away the other 97% of the dishes. This baby wants to climb over a pile of laundry while you put the important pieces away before he drools on them. This baby wants to sit in absolute awe and bewilderment while you vacuum anything. Those are things you do with the baby.

While this rule has dramatically improved my time management, what it’s also done is force things into a priority list I otherwise could not adhere to.

I am a procrasti-cleaner. I like to have a very tidy space before I do any intellectual task. No work, no newsletter, no budgeting could get done if there was an item out of place. But now, every item is out of place constantly. In fact many items don’t even have a place because some other item has taken its place. Even in the resistance to new items, the baby has items. Inevitable items. These items are strewn, not in a catastrophic way, but strewn just away to throw the balance of the space off. It’s a chore to pick them up, and most chores find themselves to be somewhere from 40% to 70% completed at any given time, so why complete this one.

Instead, do the chunky things. Do the buried things. Do the things so far down your dream list that they feel relegated to another decade. Do not, I beg of you, rearrange the closet where you’ve jammed all the linens and cleaning supplies and extra pet detritus. Do not, under any circumstance, start the process of winnowing down to a capsule wardrobe. You’re already wearing it if you could acknowledge that your capsule wardrobe is simply not that chic. It doesn’t matter. You have life to live. That does not include wiping down the exterior of the refrigerator, though it could involve waxing your skis.

Of course, this is all rather baby dependent. If your baby hates everything, then you’ve got to pick your battles, your poison, your brain for what will actually make you happier. I’ve found I can simply (waves hands around) not care about things scattered about so long as the plants are happy. I can forgive unbroken cardboard and dirty dishes if there’s still palo santo to burn, if there’s a song to soften my scapulas.

We take what we can get.

2. Never try to make a happy baby happier.*

Sometimes, when I’m writing and I’m very deep in it, someone will interrupt me with something good. Maybe a cat will crawl into my lap. Maybe my husband will offer me coffee. I like both of these things, but both of these things interrupt the flow. Both of these things are squirrels making it safely across the road without me having to brake. But I am now considering the squirrel when I should be… wait what was I writing about?

When a baby is occupied, at any age up to 6 months which is where my experience stops, there is no need to occupy them further. If they’re staring at the ceiling fan happily kicking their legs, or even just kicking their legs without fussing, you do not need to hover over them with your giant face making various rarely used expressions. Because now, you are the ceiling fan, and you can’t leave.

In your attempt to make them happier, you’ve simply redirected their attention, of which you are now the center. So much for waxing your skis.

There actually aren’t that many things that once good need to be better right that minute. Sure, yes, you can improve your wardrobe, but right now? And you could have a better jump shot, but right this second? You could probably improve that stew recipe, but are you really going to do it right before guests arrive? It’s good! Relax! Enjoy for just a moment that things are pretty good, or even just acceptable!

(This is, in fact, when you could be putting away the laundry or doing the dishes instead of becoming ceiling fan option B.)

In the scenario where you are the baby, the lesson here for me personally, is to stop trying to scratch some ever-present itch. Do not pick up the phone while writing. Do not spend hours searching for the perfect couch when you can’t even buy it. Don’t torture yourself trying to make something a tiny bit better. Look at what’s in front of you. Look at that ceiling fan, and finish what you started.

3. You only need as many clothes as can get you to the next wash.

Alright, so maybe it is time to work on your capsule wardrobe. Certainly works for the baby.

*I did some googling on this, and the only other place I can find it is from this TikTok.