YES: "my homes have become more expansive in their environments because I am seeking that expanse in myself."
I've been trying to explain why I went from a hardcore city-lover (still am, honestly) to someone who knows the names of birds, plants, trees. I've let myself become quiet enough to listen rather than fill up the space with my own thoughts.
Nice post for so many reasons!! I suffered from anxiety attacks in my early to mid thirties, and you are correct, the key to change was when I began to understand that my anxiety attack was my body's way of showing me in a very impressive way that "things needed to change." I'm sure she sent some much gentler reminders before my first anxiety attack that I totally ignored, ha! Our bodies are amazing, so much to be grateful for! Thanks for sharing your story. 💟
I'm currently a grad student dealing with panic/anxiety disorder. My guess about "what needs to change" right now is my approach to work - I was having them at high-stress times in my last job also - but what to do? Approach work in a more serious(?) Way, like going to the gym. I don't know that's just what I am trying.
Mags, that you found your way here over a year after this post uploaded and I just happened to see it, makes me think I am here to respond. I know my way around a panic attack and I left them behind so many years ago, forty to be precise. Trust in your ability to heal. And be patient in learning your way.
I experienced my first anxiety attack walking into the Jewish Synagogue to talk about marrying my Jewish husband to be, as a gentile. It would have been easy to blame that situation for the anxiety, no doubt it added. But truth be known I had a chest of grief I'd been carrying.
Be gentle with yourself, find guidance that supports and uplifts you, but ever expect that journey to be easy. You'll find your way. Last thoughts... it has nothing to do with your approach to work. Dig deeper. 💜
Typo, "never expect," as the journey can be a little rough going. But I actually like the typo because I do believe you can ever expect to make it through. Keep the faith. 💜
It's my thinking that "underlying feelings of not being enough" are standard operating equipment for human beings. Thankfully for us we live in an era where people can be candid about their feelings and have access to endless possibilities of learning and healing.💜
Proud of you for speaking truth to your journey. As a long time fan of your writing, it's been an inspiration to see how you have grown and evolved and it's especially inspiring to witness the courage of truly vulnerable personal storytelling.
Mental illness. When I was a kid I used to ask myself the weirdest question. Would I rather be mentally ill or physically challenged or disabled? Silly, I thought, and repeatedly answered mentally ill of course. I couldn't bear being physically challenged because of my athletic motivation. I'd rather be dead. And besides, if I'm mentally ill I won't know it anyway... I'll be locked up blowing bubbles and being cared for by some institution.
And so the years passed. One day the truth hit me. I knew if I didnt get therapy I would be dead through self-medicating. I institutionalized myself and thought okay, this is it, I'll never get out and lose my mind forever. Only that didn't happen.
I was trapped inside my mind from the outside looking in. And didn't know how to get out. My story is too long to tell here, but suffice to say drugs and mental illness don't mix.
Today I'm a new person. It took two times being institutionalized before I came through mentally healed and able to live my best and know how without hurting others while in the process of hurting myself.
Thank you for sharing your story with intimate details. It helps to understand we aren't alone in this battle. We lived to see another day. Happy (most times), healthy (relatively speaking), and free. Many don't make it through to the other side, so we try and live our lives to the fullest to honor those lost souls and carry on for those who are still searching.
This is such a great and accurate description of severe anxiety: “The crux of Panic Disorder is not that you’re afraid of flying or social events or failure or what have you, it’s that you’re afraid of having another panic attack. You’re afraid the next one will be the one you don’t come back from, the one you don’t survive.” (I’m also in a much better place than I used to be, but this description really captured what it was like when panic controlled my life.)
“One of my triggers for panic attacks was an elevated heart rate. Anything that surprised me or stressed me out or scared me could catapult me toward panic. I would hold my fingers to my neck, trying to suss out if my heart was still beating — if it was too fast, too irregular, too there.”
This was me for so long. As a child, a teen, a young adult. I was so young, and back then my rural neck of the woods didn’t really “do” mental health so I had no words for what was happening. By the time I started seeing a therapist I was mostly beyond them.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s only by sharing our stories (often the ones that involve “taboo” topics) that others can say, “Me, too,” and know they aren’t alone.
Yes, I feel so much that rural background where we just didn't have the lexicon. I remember the first time I read that feeling of not trusting your own body in a book and thinking, "oh my god, there's someone else who feels this."
I sent this article to the women who would be in my pictures and told them of their impact and how you captured a feeling so perfectly. I’m coming back from a 2 month mental health leave and finally running again not from my anxiety but towards healing. Thank you again and again.
Thank you for sharing your story! As I always say, you never know who you might help with your writing. We don't always know who might be suffering through a bad time in their life. Hearing someone talk about their experience could give them hope that they too can survive.
YES: "my homes have become more expansive in their environments because I am seeking that expanse in myself."
I've been trying to explain why I went from a hardcore city-lover (still am, honestly) to someone who knows the names of birds, plants, trees. I've let myself become quiet enough to listen rather than fill up the space with my own thoughts.
Thanks as ever for this.
Quiet enough to listen — that's it right there. <3
Nice post for so many reasons!! I suffered from anxiety attacks in my early to mid thirties, and you are correct, the key to change was when I began to understand that my anxiety attack was my body's way of showing me in a very impressive way that "things needed to change." I'm sure she sent some much gentler reminders before my first anxiety attack that I totally ignored, ha! Our bodies are amazing, so much to be grateful for! Thanks for sharing your story. 💟
"I'm sure she sent some much gentler reminders" has me laughing — it's so true! They really start to yell when we're not listening!
Don't they though? :)
I'm currently a grad student dealing with panic/anxiety disorder. My guess about "what needs to change" right now is my approach to work - I was having them at high-stress times in my last job also - but what to do? Approach work in a more serious(?) Way, like going to the gym. I don't know that's just what I am trying.
Mags, that you found your way here over a year after this post uploaded and I just happened to see it, makes me think I am here to respond. I know my way around a panic attack and I left them behind so many years ago, forty to be precise. Trust in your ability to heal. And be patient in learning your way.
I experienced my first anxiety attack walking into the Jewish Synagogue to talk about marrying my Jewish husband to be, as a gentile. It would have been easy to blame that situation for the anxiety, no doubt it added. But truth be known I had a chest of grief I'd been carrying.
Be gentle with yourself, find guidance that supports and uplifts you, but ever expect that journey to be easy. You'll find your way. Last thoughts... it has nothing to do with your approach to work. Dig deeper. 💜
Typo, "never expect," as the journey can be a little rough going. But I actually like the typo because I do believe you can ever expect to make it through. Keep the faith. 💜
Thanks Sue. 💜 Okay how about underlying feelings of not being enough? And/or not being supported or articulating my belief in a Higher Power/God?
It's my thinking that "underlying feelings of not being enough" are standard operating equipment for human beings. Thankfully for us we live in an era where people can be candid about their feelings and have access to endless possibilities of learning and healing.💜
Thanks Sue 💜💜
Proud of you for speaking truth to your journey. As a long time fan of your writing, it's been an inspiration to see how you have grown and evolved and it's especially inspiring to witness the courage of truly vulnerable personal storytelling.
Really appreciate you <3
Mental illness. When I was a kid I used to ask myself the weirdest question. Would I rather be mentally ill or physically challenged or disabled? Silly, I thought, and repeatedly answered mentally ill of course. I couldn't bear being physically challenged because of my athletic motivation. I'd rather be dead. And besides, if I'm mentally ill I won't know it anyway... I'll be locked up blowing bubbles and being cared for by some institution.
And so the years passed. One day the truth hit me. I knew if I didnt get therapy I would be dead through self-medicating. I institutionalized myself and thought okay, this is it, I'll never get out and lose my mind forever. Only that didn't happen.
I was trapped inside my mind from the outside looking in. And didn't know how to get out. My story is too long to tell here, but suffice to say drugs and mental illness don't mix.
Today I'm a new person. It took two times being institutionalized before I came through mentally healed and able to live my best and know how without hurting others while in the process of hurting myself.
Thank you for sharing your story with intimate details. It helps to understand we aren't alone in this battle. We lived to see another day. Happy (most times), healthy (relatively speaking), and free. Many don't make it through to the other side, so we try and live our lives to the fullest to honor those lost souls and carry on for those who are still searching.
Thanks for always sharing so much of yourself, Patti. And glad we both found our way through to a healthier version of ourselves!
Me too.
This is such a great and accurate description of severe anxiety: “The crux of Panic Disorder is not that you’re afraid of flying or social events or failure or what have you, it’s that you’re afraid of having another panic attack. You’re afraid the next one will be the one you don’t come back from, the one you don’t survive.” (I’m also in a much better place than I used to be, but this description really captured what it was like when panic controlled my life.)
Glad you're on the other side now, too.
“One of my triggers for panic attacks was an elevated heart rate. Anything that surprised me or stressed me out or scared me could catapult me toward panic. I would hold my fingers to my neck, trying to suss out if my heart was still beating — if it was too fast, too irregular, too there.”
This was me for so long. As a child, a teen, a young adult. I was so young, and back then my rural neck of the woods didn’t really “do” mental health so I had no words for what was happening. By the time I started seeing a therapist I was mostly beyond them.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s only by sharing our stories (often the ones that involve “taboo” topics) that others can say, “Me, too,” and know they aren’t alone.
Yes, I feel so much that rural background where we just didn't have the lexicon. I remember the first time I read that feeling of not trusting your own body in a book and thinking, "oh my god, there's someone else who feels this."
I love this so much, especially the part about the relationship between riding & writing. Thanks for sharing.
Love this. Thank you!
Also thanks for the gift! I particularly like the bookmark, the message really resonates.
My pleasure!
Thank you so so much.
Thank you for reading!
I sent this article to the women who would be in my pictures and told them of their impact and how you captured a feeling so perfectly. I’m coming back from a 2 month mental health leave and finally running again not from my anxiety but towards healing. Thank you again and again.
This makes writing worth it. <3
So beautiful, Kelton. Thank you for sharing your story.
👏🏽 Glad that you’re well.
That last photo is ridiculous! I am afraid of falling while walking in the snow so the thought of biking on it is almost inconceivable. Almost 🤔
Well done, Kelton. You have been a good and faithful steward of your body and soul.
Trust me, there was a lot of slip n' slide that day haha
Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I saw myself in some of those lines.
👏🏻 👏🏻 well done !
Thank you for sharing your story! As I always say, you never know who you might help with your writing. We don't always know who might be suffering through a bad time in their life. Hearing someone talk about their experience could give them hope that they too can survive.
That's always the hope <3