But Finn was grieving, and grief has no wants but time.
Thank you writing for this wonderful line. The first anniversary of my husband’s funeral was last Sunday (10/19), and as I move into my second year as a widow, I’m finding that it’s not getting easier. I don’t wake up crying every morning like I did for the first few months after Matt died, but I still cry easily, often and unexpectedly. Reading about your Cooper made me smile. Matt LOVED a neighborhood dog named Cooper (a Scottish Terrier), and I still smile every time I see Cooper trotting by my house, because I ALWAYS called Matt to the window when Cooper was in sight. I still love seeing things Matt loved, although I’m usually smiling through tears. You are a gifted writer, and I hope to buy one of your books and add it to MY piles of books and full bookshelves.
Daphne, I too have just passed my first anniversary of losing my husband of fifty years. I agree I am finding this time not as traumatic, but just as devastating. His loss permeates my life at the strangest moments. A piece of pottery I was creating didn’t survive the kiln, and the loss of it was monumental - added to all the other losses of the past year, some friends, other couples, another voice in the house. Now that all the transitional paper work and difficult decisions are over, I’m more at a loss than ever. My cat is my closest companion, and my books are my dearest friends. I hope we both move through this second year with each other in mind and heart and take time to remember to smile at the memories of happier times. I wish you all the best, Maureen
Thank you, Maureen. I’m so grateful for more than 4 decades of marriage, but it’s hard to learn how to live as a single woman 43 years later! If you’re near the Wichita, KS area, I would love to meet you!
I lost my husband six weeks ago. I don't see this as ever getting easier. The crying never ceases. Yesterday we had a memorial event for him. I made it five hours without crying... but made up for it since. Losing my parents and fur babies was excruciating... losing my spouse of less than five years? There are no descriptive words I know of to share with others including my therapist the depth of agony I am experiencing.
I’m collecting ’tools’ to try to figure out how to live with the accumulations of grief that are inevitable with the gifts of time; the worst still being both cats as the pandemic began.* (I’m lucky that most of it hit me after after late 40s, including invisible widowhood.)
No delusions left that I will ever “just get over it”: it’s a bone-shifting deep part of the body that is not going away.
So I really appreciate these gentle coping concepts, especially as professional support has now been cruelly summarily denied now.
It’s also change-to-winter clothes closet swap day here. Don’t those shorts and sandals look ridiculous after a 50mph soaking storm blew out the power last night!
* I think it’s because it’s my only experience of true unconditional love, those two cats.
I still miss our dear cat, Sadie who went missing in June ‘23, daily. The other two cats, if they grieved her absence, we couldn’t tell and I do find some comfort in that. She was only with us for two years. In the wise words of Vision from WandaVision, “What is grief, if not love persevering?” 💔 Sending all the purrs to sweet Finn.
When we lost one of our dogs the other grieved for months. She would get on the couch and put just her head in the corner behind a pillow. Something she had not done the previous ten years we had her. Loved this and I also love at the end where you say Bring back slow reading. Yes! Everything is so fast and busy is glorified.
Also recently brought home a baby after a long disappearance and my cat is also heartbroken. This really hit home. She is settling (I think, I hope) so I'd like to think as winter comes she will spend more time in the living room with us as a family again, rather than hiding in her bed as she did when we first rescued her. Beautiful piece.
Molly definitely does not cuddle baby. She tolerates her presence and maintains a five inch perimeter (which has shrunk) at all times. We are now at a stage where she will sit with both of us, but she definitely prefers to keep her distance. But she’s getting closer so you never know!
Sorry to be late to this one: I've been in Germany for the funeral of my brother-in-law. The purpose of which, obviously, was to stand with and for my niece. The last time I was in my wife's hometown was 12 years before, for the funeral of her father. Something like 100 people came to my BIL's funeral, and well more than half made the long steep walk to the cemetery. In contrast, our grief for our pets is closer and more private.
But, as you write, the dead live on with us, and sometimes we get the chance to bring that out.
Oh my - the paragraph of changes Finn experienced.....the palpable grief expressed so eloquently throughout....your writing shines with this beautiful essay.
When I've taught writing workshops, I often reminded students to use all 5 senses in their writing. We are so visual we often forget to include the other senses, and smell is so evocative. But a box just for scents--what an inspiration!
But Finn was grieving, and grief has no wants but time.
Thank you writing for this wonderful line. The first anniversary of my husband’s funeral was last Sunday (10/19), and as I move into my second year as a widow, I’m finding that it’s not getting easier. I don’t wake up crying every morning like I did for the first few months after Matt died, but I still cry easily, often and unexpectedly. Reading about your Cooper made me smile. Matt LOVED a neighborhood dog named Cooper (a Scottish Terrier), and I still smile every time I see Cooper trotting by my house, because I ALWAYS called Matt to the window when Cooper was in sight. I still love seeing things Matt loved, although I’m usually smiling through tears. You are a gifted writer, and I hope to buy one of your books and add it to MY piles of books and full bookshelves.
Daphne, I too have just passed my first anniversary of losing my husband of fifty years. I agree I am finding this time not as traumatic, but just as devastating. His loss permeates my life at the strangest moments. A piece of pottery I was creating didn’t survive the kiln, and the loss of it was monumental - added to all the other losses of the past year, some friends, other couples, another voice in the house. Now that all the transitional paper work and difficult decisions are over, I’m more at a loss than ever. My cat is my closest companion, and my books are my dearest friends. I hope we both move through this second year with each other in mind and heart and take time to remember to smile at the memories of happier times. I wish you all the best, Maureen
Thank you, Maureen. I’m so grateful for more than 4 decades of marriage, but it’s hard to learn how to live as a single woman 43 years later! If you’re near the Wichita, KS area, I would love to meet you!
Alas, I’m in San Francisco. But I will keep you in my heart and prayers as we both move on with our days! ❤️🥰
Wish I could hug you both
I lost my husband six weeks ago. I don't see this as ever getting easier. The crying never ceases. Yesterday we had a memorial event for him. I made it five hours without crying... but made up for it since. Losing my parents and fur babies was excruciating... losing my spouse of less than five years? There are no descriptive words I know of to share with others including my therapist the depth of agony I am experiencing.
Oh my god, Kelton. Grief is a climate - this puts into words something I've been feeling so deeply recently. Thank you.
That depiction of grief as needing clothing changes in unforeseen weather - that’s so perfect!
I'm glad it resonated <3
I teach end-of-life care to speech pathology grad students and that’s gonna get quoted with recommendations to follow your work ❤️🩹😍
This just made my week
I’m collecting ’tools’ to try to figure out how to live with the accumulations of grief that are inevitable with the gifts of time; the worst still being both cats as the pandemic began.* (I’m lucky that most of it hit me after after late 40s, including invisible widowhood.)
No delusions left that I will ever “just get over it”: it’s a bone-shifting deep part of the body that is not going away.
So I really appreciate these gentle coping concepts, especially as professional support has now been cruelly summarily denied now.
It’s also change-to-winter clothes closet swap day here. Don’t those shorts and sandals look ridiculous after a 50mph soaking storm blew out the power last night!
* I think it’s because it’s my only experience of true unconditional love, those two cats.
Animals are a special grief. We can only hope they know how deeply we love them.
I still miss our dear cat, Sadie who went missing in June ‘23, daily. The other two cats, if they grieved her absence, we couldn’t tell and I do find some comfort in that. She was only with us for two years. In the wise words of Vision from WandaVision, “What is grief, if not love persevering?” 💔 Sending all the purrs to sweet Finn.
Such beautiful words, Kelton! Thank you! 🌈
🥰🙏🏼
Beautiful story Kelton. Thank you.
When we lost one of our dogs the other grieved for months. She would get on the couch and put just her head in the corner behind a pillow. Something she had not done the previous ten years we had her. Loved this and I also love at the end where you say Bring back slow reading. Yes! Everything is so fast and busy is glorified.
An absolutely perfect essay. And he’s so lucky to have you helping him through his grief.
He’s a special guy. With an astoundingly large bladder.
😭💛🍁
Beautiful, my friend 🖤
💛💛💛
Wow, not me crying like a baby over here. Didn’t expect this. Your words are perfect. Thanks.
I also didn't expect to be sobbing when I sat down to write lol
The universe sends you what you need. 🥰
Also recently brought home a baby after a long disappearance and my cat is also heartbroken. This really hit home. She is settling (I think, I hope) so I'd like to think as winter comes she will spend more time in the living room with us as a family again, rather than hiding in her bed as she did when we first rescued her. Beautiful piece.
I will say, Finn does cuddle the toddler the most. He seems to both love the child, and hate that I am spread thinner.
Molly definitely does not cuddle baby. She tolerates her presence and maintains a five inch perimeter (which has shrunk) at all times. We are now at a stage where she will sit with both of us, but she definitely prefers to keep her distance. But she’s getting closer so you never know!
I waited to read this until I had quiet, time, and focus. I’m so glad I did. I know grief well, and I love your description of it. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your beautiful words and thoughts with us.
Appreciate that. <3
Sorry to be late to this one: I've been in Germany for the funeral of my brother-in-law. The purpose of which, obviously, was to stand with and for my niece. The last time I was in my wife's hometown was 12 years before, for the funeral of her father. Something like 100 people came to my BIL's funeral, and well more than half made the long steep walk to the cemetery. In contrast, our grief for our pets is closer and more private.
But, as you write, the dead live on with us, and sometimes we get the chance to bring that out.
Good uncle.
Oh my - the paragraph of changes Finn experienced.....the palpable grief expressed so eloquently throughout....your writing shines with this beautiful essay.
I love the idea of a "smell box."
When I've taught writing workshops, I often reminded students to use all 5 senses in their writing. We are so visual we often forget to include the other senses, and smell is so evocative. But a box just for scents--what an inspiration!
We too love the smells box