I think this piece of writing is among your very best here. The vulnerability, horror, desire, observations and interpretations of the ways we react to a human doing one of the most human things is so well conveyed (also the lens of Instagram vs Substack and the reckoning of the performative nature of all of it!) I couldn’t love this more. ❤️❤️❤️
You really punch straight to the heart of the thing here, voicing what can be so difficult to articulate for those of us that choose parenthood but aren't here for making it our whole identity. I had similar struggles during pregnancy when folks asked if we were excited/ready/etc. Like, sort of, but terrified actually, that this tiny human joining us might dramatically change everything about my life that I love. It's not often that you get to see this type of thinking reflected back in other folks' shared experiences (and so keenly and humorously!), so I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing.
Also, your instagram post was smokin', and now I want a Left on Friday swimsuit! You should get an affiliate link!
You really tapped into something. I just want to say these lines SING:
"It would be years later and people on the other end of the Instagram screen would be like, “kind of weird that she goes to so many elementary school plays, no?”"
"I had a vendetta, and like most ugly little things you keep around the house, eventually you notice them anew and ask, “wait, why am I keeping this?”"
"I was catered to like any risk of not catering to me might cause the baby to come out right then and there"
"I could feel the patriarchy climbing up my spine, determining my value in the world, whispering the worst of itself: you’re gonna make less money, no one will call you adventurous now, you might get hot mom but you’ll never just get hot ever again, you’ll be a heifer at the pumping station while your husband plans an expedition around the world, you’ll be boring."
"I’m just relieved to have one photo of myself where I look like a fertility goddess and not someone who now starts their day with Preparation H and Tums."
I have been in a place where I am very triggered by pregnant people (especially hot confident pregnant people lol) and have been for a long time. I like this perspective that just as my story is very complicated, likely everyone else’s is too. It’s not so easy to capture the emotions of such a large life transition but you do it so well as always!
You and your burrito bump were glowing and you looked beautiful in that pic, and I wish I had said so! I don’t plan on becoming pregnant, but I really understand the struggle over a change in identity and wanting to be seen as your full self and not just some label people decide to slap on you. This isn’t the same, but when I worked at the travel mag, people thought I was this cool adventurous nomad, and like, in some ways, sure, that was me, but I always felt like they didn’t see me for the hermiting introvert anxious gremlin I really am (and I say this affectionately about myself). I never really know what to say to people who post preggo pics, because I grew up with Christian ladies who make “mom” their whole identity and truly just want to be told it’s a blessing, and then I became a heathen, and I now am friends with people who are like “yeah, I dunno, let’s just see how this goes.” So my go-to is just “congrats!” to cover my bases. But if I know someone well enough IRL, I want all the deets on what it feels like physically and emotionally and what it means to them and what they’re excited and anxious about. But an IG photo doesn’t allow for much nuance, so I guess maybe I am not so much the missionary at the airport but rather some weirdo shouting at you from the corner going “hey! That’s cool! Would love to chat if ur up 4 it!” 🫣
I think that's it though — because any cutie in a bar who fell in love the Cocktail verison of me was never going to like the dark parts of me or the scared parts of me, and the more they believed their own narrative of me, the more useless they would be when I was having a panic attack on an airplane because that's not what girls who sing in dive bars do.
You nailed how I feel too! And I’m never going to leave those questions in an Instagram comment—it feels like that’s the place for a version of “congrats” and then I can send a follow-up text with more that is meant for them and not for their *~audience~* or the algo. But it gets complicated with anyone in between the realms of “following” and “texting friends” and I appreciate Kelton sharing her experience in that middle!
Yay! I am happy for you. You know change is coming. So few people do. I could wax ad nauseum about kids, the difference, yada yada. I will say a couple of things. One, I find that I read your substack and then, I read it again. There’s a cadence, or humor, or the evidence of your introspection that I so appreciate. The other thing is, now I guess I have to go to instagram, resurrect it and find your post. I may be an old man but I’m not dead. I want to see you and the babe. I’m glad you’re not going to try to hide it, and that part of you. Because you is why we all come here. Pardon my bad grammar but it’s effective. You put yourself OUT here. I and thousands others are obviously drawn here. Thank you. Keep it up. Love Gray
And you just sent me something that offered a discount for subscription. I had recently thought about buying a subscription with your substack but rejected paying for a variety of my own reasons. Now you’re on a three month maternity leave and I will pay you on one condition. That you come back. Love, Gray
I thought you looked fab in that photo! And I thought you looked happy because you were on vacation in a beautiful place, but hey, if it's because you thought you looked hot and it seemed like a good time to be like, hey world, I'm preggo, then...cool! The thing is, it can be both, and it sucks that people are always trying to fit everyone into one thin little flat-pack box.
This just reminded me of that episode of The Office where Dwight makes the sign for Kelly that says "It is your birthday" instead of "Happy Birthday!" or some big, showy statement. If you happen to have such a thing as a baby shower, it kinda seems appropriate for someone to make a sign that just says "You are having a baby." LOL
Yes! I wasn't excited about mine either, and after difficult births and raising them to grown men, I still wouldn't be excited about a new baby. You express that so well!
Fertility Goddess is such a stronger announcement than Sonogram, or People Looking at Sonogram. Well done!
It's always a struggle, even for those of us whose creative output is basically limited to blog comments, to find the right balance between public and private, between telling the stories of others because they're part of our own stories, as opposed to recognizing that they're our friends/loved ones/kids stories to tell.
I got pregnant by accident at age 41, not planned and not wanted. I decided to go forward with it, but no, I am not excited. At times I have felt curiosity and anticipation, and I don't think I'll regret it, but that's the best I've got, and then I circle back to Not Excited. Every time someone asks me, "Are you excited?" and I have to say either "no" and give a real answer, or LIE and give a fake answer, gives me a bigger and bigger complex about how I apparently "should" be excited and perhaps that I am Not Excited is a sign it was in fact the Wrong Choice...I mean I never wanted to do it in the first place!? This cultural script about pregnancy and excitement is causing me a LOT of turmoil and leads me to just avoid other people as much as possible and/or tell as few people as possible. It's not physically obvious yet, but I dread the extra scrutiny and attention when it is.
Fucking loved every word of this. I’ve been traveling and only wish I had read it before I posted but alas, that was yesterday and catching up on my missed Shangrilogs piece was today. You def look hot in that photo and I very much appreciate, respect and admire all the honesty in this and am having all the same feelings & conversations with myself so thank you for creating a safe space to share it and for making me feel less alone and much less crazy 💛
FWIW, other than the first time I left my baby overnight at 8 months old (for literally one night, 10 miles away) and cried, I NEVER cried when leaving my kids to travel. I know that travel makes me happy and more able to be present as a parent when I'm back. Maybe you'll be the same. :)
We struggled to get pregnant and used fertility treatments to get pregnant, and even then I was like WTAF WERE WE THINKING when we actually got pregnant. It's a bit of a mind fuck for most of us for sure.
FWIW, you looked hot AF in that photo. Total pregnancy goddess. :) It just felt weird to comment that when I don't actually "know" you but always wonder if I'll run into you at the grocery store or something when we live so close together. LOL
Love hearing that travel just helps you be more present later. Also if you do run into me at Clark's, I can assure you that's the one place I will not look like a fertility goddess lol.
Yeah, I thought I would be a SAHM after all the years of TTC, and then when my daughter was born, we quickly realized we needed to be a 2 income family to afford to live here at all comfortably. Ha! (I'm down in the 1 stoplight town on the way to the airport north of you). At any rate, I ended up working full time (four 9 hr days) at the local med center when my daughter was 8 weeks old, and though I do NOT recommend being financially forced to go to work when your baby is that tiny, there was definitely a part of me that realized how grateful I was to get a bit of time apart speaking to other adults and not resenting the crying & cuddles but missing it. Hopefully you can eventually find at least one other parent in your town with a small child(ren) that you could even do a few hour morning swap with once a week, just to get that alone time (or adult time) yourself! I had a friend down the street with a kid about a year younger, and until they were school aged, 1 morning a week I'd keep both of our kids, and 1 morning a week she'd keep them both, so we'd both get 1/2 day to do what we wanted or needed to get done without a kid in tow. Highly recommend. :)
PS, If I see you at Clark's I'll definitely fan girl and say hi. LOL
just came in solidarity - i also didn't know how to respond to congratulations on my pregnancy, and never did a big announcement, but also because I'm tall, never really showed until the last 6ish weeks when i too was confined inside due to winter.
this was a really wonderful piece i wish i'd had about 15 months ago :)
The benefits of height! I'm short and the baby is doing his best to be MASSIVE so the cat is out of the carrier. Glad you enjoyed it, and always curious to hear the perspective from the other side, i.e., after having the baby.
Gah, yes.. I also cringed inside when strangers and loved ones alike expectantly asked about my excitedness over becoming a new mom. It's funny how full circle it's become in my circumstance, hating the idea amidst pregnancy of forever being known solely by some as my kid's mom... and now viewing it as the highest honor. Maybe feeling your valid thoughts of "losing yourself" with curiousity will help, vs stuffing them away (not to project or say that you are or aren't doing so!). Your essence will always be there, but weaving the new babe in will obviously birth a new version of yourself! 💛 Here for it!
My immediate thought when I saw your instagram post was - geez I hope I look that good if/when I get pregnant. 😂 but it didn’t feel appropriate to say
lol, all is achievable through a tan, afternoon light, and Left On Friday
I think this piece of writing is among your very best here. The vulnerability, horror, desire, observations and interpretations of the ways we react to a human doing one of the most human things is so well conveyed (also the lens of Instagram vs Substack and the reckoning of the performative nature of all of it!) I couldn’t love this more. ❤️❤️❤️
Ah thank you so much!
You really punch straight to the heart of the thing here, voicing what can be so difficult to articulate for those of us that choose parenthood but aren't here for making it our whole identity. I had similar struggles during pregnancy when folks asked if we were excited/ready/etc. Like, sort of, but terrified actually, that this tiny human joining us might dramatically change everything about my life that I love. It's not often that you get to see this type of thinking reflected back in other folks' shared experiences (and so keenly and humorously!), so I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing.
Also, your instagram post was smokin', and now I want a Left on Friday swimsuit! You should get an affiliate link!
💛💛💛
You really tapped into something. I just want to say these lines SING:
"It would be years later and people on the other end of the Instagram screen would be like, “kind of weird that she goes to so many elementary school plays, no?”"
"I had a vendetta, and like most ugly little things you keep around the house, eventually you notice them anew and ask, “wait, why am I keeping this?”"
"I was catered to like any risk of not catering to me might cause the baby to come out right then and there"
"I could feel the patriarchy climbing up my spine, determining my value in the world, whispering the worst of itself: you’re gonna make less money, no one will call you adventurous now, you might get hot mom but you’ll never just get hot ever again, you’ll be a heifer at the pumping station while your husband plans an expedition around the world, you’ll be boring."
"I’m just relieved to have one photo of myself where I look like a fertility goddess and not someone who now starts their day with Preparation H and Tums."
🙏
I have been in a place where I am very triggered by pregnant people (especially hot confident pregnant people lol) and have been for a long time. I like this perspective that just as my story is very complicated, likely everyone else’s is too. It’s not so easy to capture the emotions of such a large life transition but you do it so well as always!
I so appreciate you saying that, and sharing that.
You and your burrito bump were glowing and you looked beautiful in that pic, and I wish I had said so! I don’t plan on becoming pregnant, but I really understand the struggle over a change in identity and wanting to be seen as your full self and not just some label people decide to slap on you. This isn’t the same, but when I worked at the travel mag, people thought I was this cool adventurous nomad, and like, in some ways, sure, that was me, but I always felt like they didn’t see me for the hermiting introvert anxious gremlin I really am (and I say this affectionately about myself). I never really know what to say to people who post preggo pics, because I grew up with Christian ladies who make “mom” their whole identity and truly just want to be told it’s a blessing, and then I became a heathen, and I now am friends with people who are like “yeah, I dunno, let’s just see how this goes.” So my go-to is just “congrats!” to cover my bases. But if I know someone well enough IRL, I want all the deets on what it feels like physically and emotionally and what it means to them and what they’re excited and anxious about. But an IG photo doesn’t allow for much nuance, so I guess maybe I am not so much the missionary at the airport but rather some weirdo shouting at you from the corner going “hey! That’s cool! Would love to chat if ur up 4 it!” 🫣
Sorry I wrote a diary entry, I just really enjoyed your blog post 😆
I think that's it though — because any cutie in a bar who fell in love the Cocktail verison of me was never going to like the dark parts of me or the scared parts of me, and the more they believed their own narrative of me, the more useless they would be when I was having a panic attack on an airplane because that's not what girls who sing in dive bars do.
Here's to the heathens. Glad we found each other.
👹🥂👹
You nailed how I feel too! And I’m never going to leave those questions in an Instagram comment—it feels like that’s the place for a version of “congrats” and then I can send a follow-up text with more that is meant for them and not for their *~audience~* or the algo. But it gets complicated with anyone in between the realms of “following” and “texting friends” and I appreciate Kelton sharing her experience in that middle!
Yay! I am happy for you. You know change is coming. So few people do. I could wax ad nauseum about kids, the difference, yada yada. I will say a couple of things. One, I find that I read your substack and then, I read it again. There’s a cadence, or humor, or the evidence of your introspection that I so appreciate. The other thing is, now I guess I have to go to instagram, resurrect it and find your post. I may be an old man but I’m not dead. I want to see you and the babe. I’m glad you’re not going to try to hide it, and that part of you. Because you is why we all come here. Pardon my bad grammar but it’s effective. You put yourself OUT here. I and thousands others are obviously drawn here. Thank you. Keep it up. Love Gray
Appreciate this!!
And you just sent me something that offered a discount for subscription. I had recently thought about buying a subscription with your substack but rejected paying for a variety of my own reasons. Now you’re on a three month maternity leave and I will pay you on one condition. That you come back. Love, Gray
I thought you looked fab in that photo! And I thought you looked happy because you were on vacation in a beautiful place, but hey, if it's because you thought you looked hot and it seemed like a good time to be like, hey world, I'm preggo, then...cool! The thing is, it can be both, and it sucks that people are always trying to fit everyone into one thin little flat-pack box.
This just reminded me of that episode of The Office where Dwight makes the sign for Kelly that says "It is your birthday" instead of "Happy Birthday!" or some big, showy statement. If you happen to have such a thing as a baby shower, it kinda seems appropriate for someone to make a sign that just says "You are having a baby." LOL
Lol, I would love that.
This also reminds me of friends who reply to “do you know what you’re having” with a poker-faced “a baby.”
Yes! I wasn't excited about mine either, and after difficult births and raising them to grown men, I still wouldn't be excited about a new baby. You express that so well!
Thank you for saying this!
Fertility Goddess is such a stronger announcement than Sonogram, or People Looking at Sonogram. Well done!
It's always a struggle, even for those of us whose creative output is basically limited to blog comments, to find the right balance between public and private, between telling the stories of others because they're part of our own stories, as opposed to recognizing that they're our friends/loved ones/kids stories to tell.
🙏
Bahahahaha “blessings, blessings” made me squeal too hard. Benevolence can be alarming if it’s too intimate, dude!!
Airports are such magical places.
I got pregnant by accident at age 41, not planned and not wanted. I decided to go forward with it, but no, I am not excited. At times I have felt curiosity and anticipation, and I don't think I'll regret it, but that's the best I've got, and then I circle back to Not Excited. Every time someone asks me, "Are you excited?" and I have to say either "no" and give a real answer, or LIE and give a fake answer, gives me a bigger and bigger complex about how I apparently "should" be excited and perhaps that I am Not Excited is a sign it was in fact the Wrong Choice...I mean I never wanted to do it in the first place!? This cultural script about pregnancy and excitement is causing me a LOT of turmoil and leads me to just avoid other people as much as possible and/or tell as few people as possible. It's not physically obvious yet, but I dread the extra scrutiny and attention when it is.
Genuinely appreciate you sharing all this, it's a refreshing perspective that often goes unshared. I feel you very much.
Thank you for the response! I figured I can't be the only one...and am trying to normalize being ambivalent for others too.
Fucking loved every word of this. I’ve been traveling and only wish I had read it before I posted but alas, that was yesterday and catching up on my missed Shangrilogs piece was today. You def look hot in that photo and I very much appreciate, respect and admire all the honesty in this and am having all the same feelings & conversations with myself so thank you for creating a safe space to share it and for making me feel less alone and much less crazy 💛
💛💛💛
FWIW, other than the first time I left my baby overnight at 8 months old (for literally one night, 10 miles away) and cried, I NEVER cried when leaving my kids to travel. I know that travel makes me happy and more able to be present as a parent when I'm back. Maybe you'll be the same. :)
We struggled to get pregnant and used fertility treatments to get pregnant, and even then I was like WTAF WERE WE THINKING when we actually got pregnant. It's a bit of a mind fuck for most of us for sure.
FWIW, you looked hot AF in that photo. Total pregnancy goddess. :) It just felt weird to comment that when I don't actually "know" you but always wonder if I'll run into you at the grocery store or something when we live so close together. LOL
Love hearing that travel just helps you be more present later. Also if you do run into me at Clark's, I can assure you that's the one place I will not look like a fertility goddess lol.
Yeah, I thought I would be a SAHM after all the years of TTC, and then when my daughter was born, we quickly realized we needed to be a 2 income family to afford to live here at all comfortably. Ha! (I'm down in the 1 stoplight town on the way to the airport north of you). At any rate, I ended up working full time (four 9 hr days) at the local med center when my daughter was 8 weeks old, and though I do NOT recommend being financially forced to go to work when your baby is that tiny, there was definitely a part of me that realized how grateful I was to get a bit of time apart speaking to other adults and not resenting the crying & cuddles but missing it. Hopefully you can eventually find at least one other parent in your town with a small child(ren) that you could even do a few hour morning swap with once a week, just to get that alone time (or adult time) yourself! I had a friend down the street with a kid about a year younger, and until they were school aged, 1 morning a week I'd keep both of our kids, and 1 morning a week she'd keep them both, so we'd both get 1/2 day to do what we wanted or needed to get done without a kid in tow. Highly recommend. :)
PS, If I see you at Clark's I'll definitely fan girl and say hi. LOL
Love this swap idea. Just need to find some babies around here.
just came in solidarity - i also didn't know how to respond to congratulations on my pregnancy, and never did a big announcement, but also because I'm tall, never really showed until the last 6ish weeks when i too was confined inside due to winter.
this was a really wonderful piece i wish i'd had about 15 months ago :)
The benefits of height! I'm short and the baby is doing his best to be MASSIVE so the cat is out of the carrier. Glad you enjoyed it, and always curious to hear the perspective from the other side, i.e., after having the baby.
Gah, yes.. I also cringed inside when strangers and loved ones alike expectantly asked about my excitedness over becoming a new mom. It's funny how full circle it's become in my circumstance, hating the idea amidst pregnancy of forever being known solely by some as my kid's mom... and now viewing it as the highest honor. Maybe feeling your valid thoughts of "losing yourself" with curiousity will help, vs stuffing them away (not to project or say that you are or aren't doing so!). Your essence will always be there, but weaving the new babe in will obviously birth a new version of yourself! 💛 Here for it!
Maybe I'll find something better in that curiosity 💛