When we first moved to this valley of few, it was our top priority to be good neighbors. This was a strange and special community, and we had a chance to do right by it. Here, that means a few specific things:
Driving slowly to prevent dust
Turning our lights off at night to preserve the dark sky
Being open and warm to the dogs
Participating in the unique form of government
Stopping to talk to our neighbors when we see them
And being a can and will do person when it comes to digging people out of snow banks, checking on people’s houses while they’re away, pet sitting, and being a go-between when residents get avalanche-trapped out of the valley
It’s a special place!
But I want to know what being a good neighbor means to you. Does it mean peace and quiet? Does it mean checking in? Does it mean you never see or hear them, or does it mean being invited to weekly pot lucks? What makes you happy someone moved in? What makes you delighted someone moved out?
Also, do you know your neighbors? Is that a thing that happens where you live, or is it more transient? More separated? What do you wish your “neighborhood” did differently? And could you be the one to do it?
I remember when I first moved to San Francisco, I was talking to a friend about baking cookies and introducing myself to my neighbors in the condo building and her response was a mixture of horror and disgust: "Oh my god, why would you do that?"
I've since moved back to my hometown of Atlanta and while I don't bake cookies, I do try to introduce myself to new neighbors and give them my number in case they have any questions or need someone to bring in their packages or something. These little things and giving your neighbors the benefit of the doubt I think are really important! I'm always surprised at how quickly things escalate in the neighborhood Facebook group!
I live in a 1 BR city apartment, and while I do not know most of the people in my not-giant building, my little hallway is actually its own cozy little community. My neighbor at the end of the hall has checked in on and fed/litter scooped my cat, we exchange plant cuttings and baked goods, I bring her packages up if I see them by the mailboxes downstairs, &c. And my neighbor across the hall takes my recycling down if I leave cardboard outside in the hall overnight, and lets me borrow his (much better than mine) vacuum whenever I ask, and I have given him a random ingredient when he was in the middle of cooking or lent him a cake pan, that kind of thing. We have each other's phone numbers and text about stuff happening in the building (like if something isn't working we will ask "hey, do you also not have hot water right now?" or "what's with the beeping alarm on the 2nd floor?" or things like that), or just to send a funny photo or say hello. This is the first apartment I've had in years where I actually know some of my neighbors, and it's nice to know that if there was an emergency, there are people right there I could ask for help.
But also, really, it's nice because everyone _is_ very quiet (I have literally never been disturbed by noise in this building even once -- part of that might be the fact that I'm on the 3rd - top - floor, but still) and mostly keeps to themselves? Like, we send the occasional text, but nobody is randomly knocking on my door or texting me inane shit at 6:00am or something. We are friendly without being pushy or socializing-needy? If that makes sense?
I live in a medium-dense part of Los Angeles. I just got a new car after driving a manual-everything Corolla for 20 years and figured out how to turn off the beeping noise the new car makes when it locks and unlocks. I feel like it's the most neighborly thing I've ever done.
I had a dog for 12 years and she was definitely the main reason - by a long, long, long shot - I know any of my neighbors. Even though she passed in 2021 I'm still part of the dog-sitting network.
My neighbors who drive like they don't care whose kids they run over and the new neighbor with a Ring camera that plays bell tones when she opens and closes her doors and windows are basically serial killers, in my opinion.
Another woman in my building moved in around the same time as me circa 2011. I didn't think of us as, like, bosom friends, so I was surprised at how bereft I felt when she moved about 40 minutes away a couple years ago. But then I realized we saw each other in the courtyard just about every single day for over 10 years (again, dogs). She just moved back to a house down the street and even though I haven't seen her yet I feel somehow better with her around. It's not about safety, it's something more nebulous that I think I understand but can't describe.
When I heard Wendell Berry speak 20 or so years ago, I recall him saying “make your neighbors your friends, not your friends your neighbors,” and I feel that this is what I’ve done. I know most all my neighbors over the 25 years I have been here. Some I know better than others and we gather for occasional potlucks and I am on an over the fence friendly nodding basis with others. With the exception of one or two, I can call upon them, and they me, when there is a need.
I live in a 1BR inner city apartment. I don’t know my current neighbours personally but at the beginning of 2020 covid lockdowns (Melbourne, Australia, so our lockdowns were long and numerous) our apartment block created a Facebook group where people could reach out for and offer help to each other (things like grocery shopping, offering up spare rolls of toilet paper, and puzzle swaps). It built a small sense of community in an isolating time and it still continues now.
When I moved into my current place I wanted nothing more than to develop relationships with my neighbors so I started looking for ways to get to know them. It's gotten to the point that I'm good friends with 6-8 of them. I started hosting happy hours quarterly. I always have someone I can ask for a cup of sugar or even to watch my dog or water my plants. I share what I bake, take in their packages, and collect their mail.
We cherish our courtyard space so we do our best to take care of it together. We share firewood and make improvements with our own money.
Not everyone in the building is on our wavelength? But it's starting to feel like more of us than not and it's making this a really special place to live.
It's become a really vibrant part of my sense of community and it's totally changed my relationship with the city! I live in LA so having a community like this is hard to build and rare to find it seems so I really, really value it.
I grew up in a remote sawmill town in northern CA, pop. 200, 1950-1968. It was the peak of the Baby Boom, with virtually all houses having kids of similar ages, and the community was extremely tight-knit. But then college and work took me to the real world, and ‘community’ became just a word.
Our first extended visit to Leadville was for a 100-mile trail run in 1993, and we were immediately caught up in its friendly and welcoming community (in spite of our Texas plates). I felt like I was back home. We bought a house a stone’s throw from the old opera house in 2003, and became full-time residents in 2013.
Our nearest neighbors are 85, both of whom were born here. She grew up in the house we bought, and he took care of it until her parents died. The two houses sit on six city lots, meaning that there’s 100 yards of sidewalk to keep clear in the winter. Carl has spent most of adult life doing that, loves his snowblowers, and isn’t about to stop. He’s up before daybreak, and there’s no beating him to the punch. We do our best to reciprocate, but we’re way behind.
We know many of the older residents in town, but like most mountain towns there has been a serious influx the past few years of younger remote workers. Fortunately, ‘remote’ doesn’t describe their attitude … they get out, get together, and embrace the community. Social media is huge, not only allowing newcomers with common interests to connect but also to provide an opportunity for connection between newcomers and old-timers.
Nothing stays the same, and it’s not the same community it was 30 years ago, but it may be better 🤓.
Uf, this is a big one. Just engaging at all! When we got here, I left notes for the immediate neighbors saying hello and apologizing for any noise that we'd be making in fixing up the old house, and left my contact info. I never heard from anyone--guess I was expecting a welcome at least? My partner tells me I was a bit naive in expecting friendliness in our very white, mid-sized city neighborhood, but the older folks are still quite kind and have the time to stop.
Many of the newer neighbors don't even say hello, or walk around-despite the fact that we have a very walkable neighborhood. When I do see these folks, they're wearing earbuds and not into engaging. These are also the ones I've had to ask to not leave their dogs outside to bark, or turn off their string lights to preserve a modicum of dark sky. I think I'm going to have to give this last one up and say goodbye to the bats. I recognize that others' idea of neighborliness is not my idea of neighborliness, but I'm still going to keep practicing radical friendliness in the hopes that I can convince them that they live in a community.
I've owned a home for thirty years in a typical suburban neighborhood/city of Memphis Tennessee. I recall only a few substantive conversations. Most wave as they drive to/from their fenced houses. Otherwise, everyone keeps to themselves. Being introvered that works for me. 😀
i sold the house i mostly grew up in at the end of 2022 when my stepdad passed. i wouldn’t have gotten through it without my neighbors there. i didn’t really know them when i was a teen or in my 20s, but i moved back in 2020 to save for a house, and i was always outside with my dog and met them all. when he passed, i was moved into the place i bought, so they kept an eye out for me on the house, on the mail, and even had the yard serviced for me so i wouldn’t have to drive the hour there and back every day. it wasn’t like they were my best friends, but they were just so kind.
i live in a converted textile mill that is lofts/condos, and my neighbors are some of the best parts. well, some of them, haha. there are buildings down by the river, and buildings up on the hill, so we call ourselves hill people or river people. the river people are more uptight and start a lot of drama. the hill people, my clan lol, are very chill and friendly. i always budget more time on my walks with my dog because i know if i run into someone we’ll chat (i’ve had to email my yoga studio before that i wasn’t going to make class because i ended up talking to my neighbor too long, lol). my neighbors and i have exchanged keys because there are a lot of us with dogs and if anything ever happened, we can help with the dogs. we give each other clothing and food. one of my neighbors threw an eclipse party. i will say, the hill is filled with a lot of women who live alone (me being one of them) and maybe that has to do with it. there are a handful of couples but mostly women. one of them even had a divorce party haha. i have learned to say yes to things i would normally say no to (lots of drinks and chats, and i don’t really drink) only because i like my routine, but i always feel so satisfied afterward. in this instance, i feel like it was a culture i inherited by moving here, that i have learned to participate in. i don’t think it’s for everyone but i love it
Absolutely loved this line of questioning, Kelton. We live in a town that is extremely walkable (we lived here without a car for the first four years and would walk for groceries, dinner, shopping, parks, visiting friends, etc). Our oldest walks to/from school and picks ups friends along the way. They sometimes startle me when I’m working at my desk when they return, laughing as kids do on our front lawn. They’re also known to walk the mall like a couple of mallrats. Simpler times.
But am I a good neighbor? Do I know my neighbors? I could be better at both. But we love where we live because it has the potential to make us good neighbors.
We have lived in our lovely road for nearly 20 years. It was difficult to form relationships in the beginning as my life was full on with 3 boys under the age of 3 (inc twins) However, once they started school and we bought a dog, I became good friends with my neighbour opposite. There is a road committee and as well as AGM meetings we have had a few summer street parties and Christmas drinks or curry nights, which has been lovely. Then during lockdown I set up a WhatsApp group to help support our neighbours. So I’d say I know my neighbours a bit better now and we all know we’d be there for each other in a crisis. I’ve loved reading all the comments and now feel inspired to go to extra mile x
Being friendly and helpful regardless of lifestyle and politics. I love my neighbors even though we likely vote differently. They bring me fresh elk meat that they kill, and I (a non hunter) give them some of our chickens’ eggs. We swap Skid steers. It’s that kind of neighborhood.
It's such a unique relationship, living years of our lives next to other people, whether it's down the road or on the other side of the wall. I've thought a lot about this, too.
Basic good neighbor:
Respect: consider what you're doing within your home/property/rental/parcel of land/shared environment and how you drive down your street could impact those around you, understanding people are entitled to live differently than you do
Kindness: basic acknowledgment, a simple wave doesn't have to turn into a friendship or long conversation
Reading the room: especially in places like the Shangrilogs neighborhood!
Benefit of the doubt: not jumping to conclusions when there is a disagreement or misunderstanding
but if I'm considering neighbors part of *my* beloved community, I love going above and beyond: sharing a few baked goods or garden goodies with whoever I happen to see first, engaging with intention while putting effort into remembering details from previous conversations to foster care/continued connection, offering to help without strings attached to prevent resentment
We've moved around a lot and don't have close relationships with our family, so I'm always on the lookout for opportunities to add to our chosen family. Getting to know our neighbors in certain circumstances (especially considering we WFH) have been the most convenient opportunities to find those connections. We've had a handful of bad neighbors over the years, making me kinda shudder at the thought of buying a home unknowingly next door or across the street from someone similar... but I guess that's a pro of renting for now!
I never talk to neighbours. I don't know their names. I have been living in this house for over a quarter of a century. I value privacy and quietness. Getting too friendly with neighbours would probably mean that they would "check in" too often to my taste
Being respectful is the number one thing that makes a good neighbor. If other people can hear you or see you (or what you're doing/building/planting/tearing down), be considerate of what you are forcing other people to listen to or look at, and for how long.
When I lived in MA, the degree to which people wanted to interact varied widely. In the city (Boston), my neighbors mostly avoided eye contact and kept their heads down. When I moved to a village in the next (wealthy, progressive) town over, everyone was very welcoming. They did a thing called a progressive dinner every year around the holidays, which is where different households hosted different courses of dinner, so it was like a traveling meal where you went from house to house to eat one dish and then another, all the way from hors d'oeuvres to dessert.
When I moved just a little farther out from the city, the town was just as wealthy but much less progressive. My neighbors were cold. The people next door to us were the original family who built the houses in our little area, and they acted like they still owned all the land. They'd traipse through our yard, park in our grass, and even park in our driveway on occasion! It's not like they lacked space, either. Their mentality was "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine." I once stopped by with a bottle of wine to thank them for putting up with tree removal work we had done, and they wouldn't accept it. How gauche is that?! I was delighted to move away from them. That neighborhood was weird on the whole, though. It was not what I expected from living in a highly educated, high-income earning area.
I live in PA now, and my neighbors are the opposite of that. They aren't just nice, they are kind. We moved here during Covid, and even then, people stopped by with cards and welcome gifts. We have each other's numbers; we get together in groups when we can. It's easy. I feel like we have a good sense of community, and that makes living here enjoyable. I love running into my neighbors when I'm out walking my dog and pausing to chat for a second or a few minutes. It adds so much to your quality of life when you feel connected to the people living around you.
We live in a gated community in the suburbs of Sacramento. When I first moved here, I used to think our neighbors were relatively nice and would smile and wave hello to everyone and think “people are so friendly here”…until an app called NextDoor came about and suddenly our nice smiling neighbors were posting rants about “damn liberals” and “if kids are doorbell ditching, I’ll shoot them”, and issuing warnings about a “person who doesn’t look like they belong here was walking by my house” and well you get the picture. Plus, Trump flags were flying on most houses for months after the election 🙄 So we stuck a sign on our lawn saying “We believe Black Lives Matter, Women’s Rights are Human Rights, Love is Love, Science is Real, etc” and sat back and watched our neighbors turn purple with rage 😂 They tried (and failed) to get our HOA to force us to take off our sign and honestly the best part is that our next door neighbor has stopped trying to convert us to his ultra conservative evangelical beliefs! We have a handful of lovely people in our neighborhood who are not like the rest so those are the ones that we stop and chat with or get together with
We moved from Seattle to Texas 10 years ago to a densly populated neighborhood with houses far closer together than we would like but it was great for our kids. Loved our Seattle neighbors!
Neighbors have come and gone and I would say we've had some good ones. I don't need to find a best friend in them, although that would be lovely, but just kindness and respect for each other is great. We have a multi-generational family on one side and when they are having a big party they will give us a heads up. The neighbors on the other side left a year ago for Colorado (Boulder) and they were the best. They didn't cringe at our dogs barking at theirs through the fence (which only lasts a few minutes)...their dog would enjoy barking back and running back and forth the fence line. We'd go over for a mimosa marathon brunch on sunny weekends and bring all the dogs to run around.
Neighbors behind us will often on the sunny weekends blast their music and they have people on every side out in their backyards --- everyone in their respective pools--- we all would like to hear our own music. It just feels rude.
We took treats, human and dog, when the new ones moved in with a note including our phone numbers, etc. in case we leave the garage door up, a sprinkler head is broken, or an escape pet. The current new neighbors are a bit prickly. Reasons being: always want a long talk and never asking reciprocal questions, take it to abrasive politics when they don't even know us or that they are being offensive, and giving tips on getting dog trainers, choke collars etc for our pugs because their german shepard is trained in german. They are A LOT.
Overall, on our street, people come home and go inside and stay to themselves. I wish we had more community.....who knows, maybe I should plan a block party.
We moved from Texas to a suburb north of Seattle about 14 years ago. It was a new housing development at the time and we have unique bonds with a few of the original owners, shared experiences with the history of these homes, the builder, and the bonkers HOA.
Over the years, we’ve grown and welcomed new families, their pets, and their children. We have a group chat for most people on our dead-end street to check in, ask to share driveways for parking spaces, and gossip.
During COVID, we’d have driveway happy hours on Friday nights where we’d have these moments of connection. I’ve never felt closer to my neighbors! (For better and for worse 🤣) And on the rare occasion when it snows, some of the husbands venture out to shovel the street and driveways.
Most of us are transplants, which likely influenced things—tipping the scales to friendlier interactions because Seattle natives are notoriously standoffish.
When one of our neighbors moved out of the neighborhood, their realtor even advertised this little neighborhood culture we’d built. Unfortunately, the people who moved in are hermits and slink around after dark, and it’s kind of altered the culture. And no shame! That’s totally their preference and I respect it.
But I’m surrounded by people I can ask for a cup of sugar, to pick up something at the store, or check in on our kitty. And I’m so thankful for that! In return, I offer banana bread, carrot cake, and other treats.
Community is something you build, actively and repeatedly. It takes each of investing a little bit in order to reap the rewards.
Previously in a condo community for 10 years, I knew my neighbors names, but didn't hang out. The main consideration was not throwing huge parties, not using all the guest parking, and trying to stay away from the crazy people on the HOA (insane pricey solutions to small problems).
Recently moved with husband and a kid to an established neighborhood in the same city - huge trees, tons of kids, a weird amount of wildlife since we're close to downtown, bought our home from an original owner who had passed. We know our neighbors and some we hang out with frequently, like bbq or egg hunts, cause our kids are similar ages. The neighbor across the street (another original owner) just died and I've been bereft. I probably only spoke to him 5 times, but saw him often, and he was just lovely.
It is tricky to figure out the frequency of hanging out with neighbors, when they know when you are home, but realistically many times you want to Netflix and chill. I've been trying to break into the neighborhood mom group (which my husband keeps confusing with the Neighborhood Womens Association, which is mostly retired women)- the mom group, everyone has similar aged kids, baby - early elementary. The street behind us - there's three houses without fences in the backyards. Everyone has kids and the kids sort of run wild between the three houses. It sounds both wonderful and my worst nightmare.
Growing up in a different large city in the south, we knew all of our neighbors and I liked it. It was fun to be able to walk three doors up and see if a friend could come play. I hope my kid has that experience too, so a lot of what we are doing is trying to foster that.
My husband is distinctive in his appearance - so everyone remembers him. Plus he is always doing slow cooks on his grill (brisket overnight, ribs, etc) - and you can smell it around the neighborhood. So far everyone mostly wants to come eat, and hopefully it isn't too annoying.
The only benefit to Covid was a built in reason to get to know our neighbors better. We’ve lived in our house for 15 years and while we’ve been friendly—waving hello, chatting while folks walked their dogs—we really made an effort during lockdown to reach out to folks on our block. I dusted off our propane firepit and we gathered every Friday night in our backyard for happy hour. Honestly, it was the type of neighborhood interaction I always wanted but didn’t consider pursuing. We are now good friends with two sets of our neighbors, including the ones right next door, to the point where we’ve celebrated holidays together, in addition to the rides to the airport, petsitting and watering gardens. It’s all the things (reassuring, fun, fortunate) to know that we can gather for impromptu drinks on occasion and rely on each other for help. When my husband talks about moving to a less expensive area, I am mindful that building these types of connections takes a lot of time and energy. We do all own our houses and most moved here in within the last 5-7 years or so, and that could make a difference in terms of people’s openness.
I live in rural Michigan. Our neighborhood has around 100 residents on the main and side streets. Many use the street to walk, both themselves and their dogs. I have some great neighbors I see daily. That being said, some are invasive. It's hard to get away from them. I'm polite and try to keep moving, but lately it's gotten so bad I ride my bike instead of jogging to stay moving - and one or two still try and keep blathering even as I say "gotta keep moving...".
We live in an HOA community - that has some major issues which also is a neighborly pain-in-the-ass thing.
This is the only neighborhood I've ever lived in (except when I was a kid) that most everyone knows one another and keeps tabs. I don't advise this way of living for everyone.
We're planning on moving - the next place won't be HOA, and I'll likely be less open if it's primarily made up of retired people, like this one is.
I have lived in this small town for almost two decades, but just moved 2-1/2 years ago to the one-lane road I always wanted to live on. Fortunately, there are only a dozen or so homes on this street (and a dozen or so on the parallel road whose back yards back up to our street), so I already knew most neighbors when I moved in. We had worked together on community projects, or socialized at other friendʻs homes. We live on large lots, houses set back from the road, so not much disturbs our neighbors other than the pig hunters chasing a boar too near a neighborʻs paddocks at night. We have a group text to check in when the water or power lines go out (more frequently than one would like). Dropping by unannounced is fine with any of the oldtimers, although newcomers are not quite used to that yet. None of us lock our doors because after all someone might need a tool from the shed or to drop off paperwork or a bag of fruit on our counter.
If you are walking on the road, with or without your dog, everyone driving by will slow down, then stop to chat. Even the workers heading towards someone elseʻs house will say hello and know your dog by name.
But currently two homes are on the market, and I actually had a weird dream about changes to the neighborhood last night! Which makes me think that maybe it would be good to write out a welcome letter that says "Here is what it means to be a good neighbor here. Welcome to our special place!"
My neighbor moved here from the west side and immediately parked a trailer in front of my south windows and is now building a ginormous shop that will block my sun and view of the mountains.
We live in a very friendly, walkable neighborhood in Oakland.
We leave lemons and fruit from our abundant fruit trees in from of the house.
We let our 8 year-old walk to dance by herself, in part to demonstrate that we trust her and our team.
We frequent our neighborhood beer garden and talk to everyone we recognize there.
We at least acknowledge or have a stop-and-chat with folks we see.
We bring books to little libraries.
I am sure there are more, but those are some of our favorites.
I remember when I first moved to San Francisco, I was talking to a friend about baking cookies and introducing myself to my neighbors in the condo building and her response was a mixture of horror and disgust: "Oh my god, why would you do that?"
I've since moved back to my hometown of Atlanta and while I don't bake cookies, I do try to introduce myself to new neighbors and give them my number in case they have any questions or need someone to bring in their packages or something. These little things and giving your neighbors the benefit of the doubt I think are really important! I'm always surprised at how quickly things escalate in the neighborhood Facebook group!
I live in a 1 BR city apartment, and while I do not know most of the people in my not-giant building, my little hallway is actually its own cozy little community. My neighbor at the end of the hall has checked in on and fed/litter scooped my cat, we exchange plant cuttings and baked goods, I bring her packages up if I see them by the mailboxes downstairs, &c. And my neighbor across the hall takes my recycling down if I leave cardboard outside in the hall overnight, and lets me borrow his (much better than mine) vacuum whenever I ask, and I have given him a random ingredient when he was in the middle of cooking or lent him a cake pan, that kind of thing. We have each other's phone numbers and text about stuff happening in the building (like if something isn't working we will ask "hey, do you also not have hot water right now?" or "what's with the beeping alarm on the 2nd floor?" or things like that), or just to send a funny photo or say hello. This is the first apartment I've had in years where I actually know some of my neighbors, and it's nice to know that if there was an emergency, there are people right there I could ask for help.
But also, really, it's nice because everyone _is_ very quiet (I have literally never been disturbed by noise in this building even once -- part of that might be the fact that I'm on the 3rd - top - floor, but still) and mostly keeps to themselves? Like, we send the occasional text, but nobody is randomly knocking on my door or texting me inane shit at 6:00am or something. We are friendly without being pushy or socializing-needy? If that makes sense?
I live in a medium-dense part of Los Angeles. I just got a new car after driving a manual-everything Corolla for 20 years and figured out how to turn off the beeping noise the new car makes when it locks and unlocks. I feel like it's the most neighborly thing I've ever done.
I had a dog for 12 years and she was definitely the main reason - by a long, long, long shot - I know any of my neighbors. Even though she passed in 2021 I'm still part of the dog-sitting network.
My neighbors who drive like they don't care whose kids they run over and the new neighbor with a Ring camera that plays bell tones when she opens and closes her doors and windows are basically serial killers, in my opinion.
Another woman in my building moved in around the same time as me circa 2011. I didn't think of us as, like, bosom friends, so I was surprised at how bereft I felt when she moved about 40 minutes away a couple years ago. But then I realized we saw each other in the courtyard just about every single day for over 10 years (again, dogs). She just moved back to a house down the street and even though I haven't seen her yet I feel somehow better with her around. It's not about safety, it's something more nebulous that I think I understand but can't describe.
When I heard Wendell Berry speak 20 or so years ago, I recall him saying “make your neighbors your friends, not your friends your neighbors,” and I feel that this is what I’ve done. I know most all my neighbors over the 25 years I have been here. Some I know better than others and we gather for occasional potlucks and I am on an over the fence friendly nodding basis with others. With the exception of one or two, I can call upon them, and they me, when there is a need.
I live in a 1BR inner city apartment. I don’t know my current neighbours personally but at the beginning of 2020 covid lockdowns (Melbourne, Australia, so our lockdowns were long and numerous) our apartment block created a Facebook group where people could reach out for and offer help to each other (things like grocery shopping, offering up spare rolls of toilet paper, and puzzle swaps). It built a small sense of community in an isolating time and it still continues now.
We live in our RV—an Airstream named Ellie—so the idea of good neighbor manifests slightly differently. But the core concept, to care, remains.
- Wave hello. One’s usually on an adventure by themselves. Saying hi helps remind us of our shared connections.
- If someone’s equipment breaks and you happen to have either a spare or expertise, lend it
- Be quiet after 10, and pull your shades so your rig’s lights don’t invade
- Confine your own shit to your own space, and keep it tidy (tidy here is a very loosely defined term)
- Keep your gear in good repair. Leaks of any sort are frowned upon
- Help keep your dog from barking incessantly, especially if you’ll be gone for a while
- Use local firewood to keep local bugs local
When I moved into my current place I wanted nothing more than to develop relationships with my neighbors so I started looking for ways to get to know them. It's gotten to the point that I'm good friends with 6-8 of them. I started hosting happy hours quarterly. I always have someone I can ask for a cup of sugar or even to watch my dog or water my plants. I share what I bake, take in their packages, and collect their mail.
We cherish our courtyard space so we do our best to take care of it together. We share firewood and make improvements with our own money.
Not everyone in the building is on our wavelength? But it's starting to feel like more of us than not and it's making this a really special place to live.
It's become a really vibrant part of my sense of community and it's totally changed my relationship with the city! I live in LA so having a community like this is hard to build and rare to find it seems so I really, really value it.
I grew up in a remote sawmill town in northern CA, pop. 200, 1950-1968. It was the peak of the Baby Boom, with virtually all houses having kids of similar ages, and the community was extremely tight-knit. But then college and work took me to the real world, and ‘community’ became just a word.
Our first extended visit to Leadville was for a 100-mile trail run in 1993, and we were immediately caught up in its friendly and welcoming community (in spite of our Texas plates). I felt like I was back home. We bought a house a stone’s throw from the old opera house in 2003, and became full-time residents in 2013.
Our nearest neighbors are 85, both of whom were born here. She grew up in the house we bought, and he took care of it until her parents died. The two houses sit on six city lots, meaning that there’s 100 yards of sidewalk to keep clear in the winter. Carl has spent most of adult life doing that, loves his snowblowers, and isn’t about to stop. He’s up before daybreak, and there’s no beating him to the punch. We do our best to reciprocate, but we’re way behind.
We know many of the older residents in town, but like most mountain towns there has been a serious influx the past few years of younger remote workers. Fortunately, ‘remote’ doesn’t describe their attitude … they get out, get together, and embrace the community. Social media is huge, not only allowing newcomers with common interests to connect but also to provide an opportunity for connection between newcomers and old-timers.
Nothing stays the same, and it’s not the same community it was 30 years ago, but it may be better 🤓.
Uf, this is a big one. Just engaging at all! When we got here, I left notes for the immediate neighbors saying hello and apologizing for any noise that we'd be making in fixing up the old house, and left my contact info. I never heard from anyone--guess I was expecting a welcome at least? My partner tells me I was a bit naive in expecting friendliness in our very white, mid-sized city neighborhood, but the older folks are still quite kind and have the time to stop.
Many of the newer neighbors don't even say hello, or walk around-despite the fact that we have a very walkable neighborhood. When I do see these folks, they're wearing earbuds and not into engaging. These are also the ones I've had to ask to not leave their dogs outside to bark, or turn off their string lights to preserve a modicum of dark sky. I think I'm going to have to give this last one up and say goodbye to the bats. I recognize that others' idea of neighborliness is not my idea of neighborliness, but I'm still going to keep practicing radical friendliness in the hopes that I can convince them that they live in a community.
I love that you turn your lights off at night to preserve the dark sky. That is huge!
I've owned a home for thirty years in a typical suburban neighborhood/city of Memphis Tennessee. I recall only a few substantive conversations. Most wave as they drive to/from their fenced houses. Otherwise, everyone keeps to themselves. Being introvered that works for me. 😀
i sold the house i mostly grew up in at the end of 2022 when my stepdad passed. i wouldn’t have gotten through it without my neighbors there. i didn’t really know them when i was a teen or in my 20s, but i moved back in 2020 to save for a house, and i was always outside with my dog and met them all. when he passed, i was moved into the place i bought, so they kept an eye out for me on the house, on the mail, and even had the yard serviced for me so i wouldn’t have to drive the hour there and back every day. it wasn’t like they were my best friends, but they were just so kind.
i live in a converted textile mill that is lofts/condos, and my neighbors are some of the best parts. well, some of them, haha. there are buildings down by the river, and buildings up on the hill, so we call ourselves hill people or river people. the river people are more uptight and start a lot of drama. the hill people, my clan lol, are very chill and friendly. i always budget more time on my walks with my dog because i know if i run into someone we’ll chat (i’ve had to email my yoga studio before that i wasn’t going to make class because i ended up talking to my neighbor too long, lol). my neighbors and i have exchanged keys because there are a lot of us with dogs and if anything ever happened, we can help with the dogs. we give each other clothing and food. one of my neighbors threw an eclipse party. i will say, the hill is filled with a lot of women who live alone (me being one of them) and maybe that has to do with it. there are a handful of couples but mostly women. one of them even had a divorce party haha. i have learned to say yes to things i would normally say no to (lots of drinks and chats, and i don’t really drink) only because i like my routine, but i always feel so satisfied afterward. in this instance, i feel like it was a culture i inherited by moving here, that i have learned to participate in. i don’t think it’s for everyone but i love it
Absolutely loved this line of questioning, Kelton. We live in a town that is extremely walkable (we lived here without a car for the first four years and would walk for groceries, dinner, shopping, parks, visiting friends, etc). Our oldest walks to/from school and picks ups friends along the way. They sometimes startle me when I’m working at my desk when they return, laughing as kids do on our front lawn. They’re also known to walk the mall like a couple of mallrats. Simpler times.
But am I a good neighbor? Do I know my neighbors? I could be better at both. But we love where we live because it has the potential to make us good neighbors.
I wrote about a similar topic last year for those interested. https://open.substack.com/pub/kathekon/p/thin-trust-piazza?r=7j6pb&utm_medium=ios
We have lived in our lovely road for nearly 20 years. It was difficult to form relationships in the beginning as my life was full on with 3 boys under the age of 3 (inc twins) However, once they started school and we bought a dog, I became good friends with my neighbour opposite. There is a road committee and as well as AGM meetings we have had a few summer street parties and Christmas drinks or curry nights, which has been lovely. Then during lockdown I set up a WhatsApp group to help support our neighbours. So I’d say I know my neighbours a bit better now and we all know we’d be there for each other in a crisis. I’ve loved reading all the comments and now feel inspired to go to extra mile x
Being friendly and helpful regardless of lifestyle and politics. I love my neighbors even though we likely vote differently. They bring me fresh elk meat that they kill, and I (a non hunter) give them some of our chickens’ eggs. We swap Skid steers. It’s that kind of neighborhood.
It's such a unique relationship, living years of our lives next to other people, whether it's down the road or on the other side of the wall. I've thought a lot about this, too.
Basic good neighbor:
Respect: consider what you're doing within your home/property/rental/parcel of land/shared environment and how you drive down your street could impact those around you, understanding people are entitled to live differently than you do
Kindness: basic acknowledgment, a simple wave doesn't have to turn into a friendship or long conversation
Reading the room: especially in places like the Shangrilogs neighborhood!
Benefit of the doubt: not jumping to conclusions when there is a disagreement or misunderstanding
but if I'm considering neighbors part of *my* beloved community, I love going above and beyond: sharing a few baked goods or garden goodies with whoever I happen to see first, engaging with intention while putting effort into remembering details from previous conversations to foster care/continued connection, offering to help without strings attached to prevent resentment
We've moved around a lot and don't have close relationships with our family, so I'm always on the lookout for opportunities to add to our chosen family. Getting to know our neighbors in certain circumstances (especially considering we WFH) have been the most convenient opportunities to find those connections. We've had a handful of bad neighbors over the years, making me kinda shudder at the thought of buying a home unknowingly next door or across the street from someone similar... but I guess that's a pro of renting for now!
I never talk to neighbours. I don't know their names. I have been living in this house for over a quarter of a century. I value privacy and quietness. Getting too friendly with neighbours would probably mean that they would "check in" too often to my taste
Being respectful is the number one thing that makes a good neighbor. If other people can hear you or see you (or what you're doing/building/planting/tearing down), be considerate of what you are forcing other people to listen to or look at, and for how long.
When I lived in MA, the degree to which people wanted to interact varied widely. In the city (Boston), my neighbors mostly avoided eye contact and kept their heads down. When I moved to a village in the next (wealthy, progressive) town over, everyone was very welcoming. They did a thing called a progressive dinner every year around the holidays, which is where different households hosted different courses of dinner, so it was like a traveling meal where you went from house to house to eat one dish and then another, all the way from hors d'oeuvres to dessert.
When I moved just a little farther out from the city, the town was just as wealthy but much less progressive. My neighbors were cold. The people next door to us were the original family who built the houses in our little area, and they acted like they still owned all the land. They'd traipse through our yard, park in our grass, and even park in our driveway on occasion! It's not like they lacked space, either. Their mentality was "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine." I once stopped by with a bottle of wine to thank them for putting up with tree removal work we had done, and they wouldn't accept it. How gauche is that?! I was delighted to move away from them. That neighborhood was weird on the whole, though. It was not what I expected from living in a highly educated, high-income earning area.
I live in PA now, and my neighbors are the opposite of that. They aren't just nice, they are kind. We moved here during Covid, and even then, people stopped by with cards and welcome gifts. We have each other's numbers; we get together in groups when we can. It's easy. I feel like we have a good sense of community, and that makes living here enjoyable. I love running into my neighbors when I'm out walking my dog and pausing to chat for a second or a few minutes. It adds so much to your quality of life when you feel connected to the people living around you.
We live in a gated community in the suburbs of Sacramento. When I first moved here, I used to think our neighbors were relatively nice and would smile and wave hello to everyone and think “people are so friendly here”…until an app called NextDoor came about and suddenly our nice smiling neighbors were posting rants about “damn liberals” and “if kids are doorbell ditching, I’ll shoot them”, and issuing warnings about a “person who doesn’t look like they belong here was walking by my house” and well you get the picture. Plus, Trump flags were flying on most houses for months after the election 🙄 So we stuck a sign on our lawn saying “We believe Black Lives Matter, Women’s Rights are Human Rights, Love is Love, Science is Real, etc” and sat back and watched our neighbors turn purple with rage 😂 They tried (and failed) to get our HOA to force us to take off our sign and honestly the best part is that our next door neighbor has stopped trying to convert us to his ultra conservative evangelical beliefs! We have a handful of lovely people in our neighborhood who are not like the rest so those are the ones that we stop and chat with or get together with
We moved from Seattle to Texas 10 years ago to a densly populated neighborhood with houses far closer together than we would like but it was great for our kids. Loved our Seattle neighbors!
Neighbors have come and gone and I would say we've had some good ones. I don't need to find a best friend in them, although that would be lovely, but just kindness and respect for each other is great. We have a multi-generational family on one side and when they are having a big party they will give us a heads up. The neighbors on the other side left a year ago for Colorado (Boulder) and they were the best. They didn't cringe at our dogs barking at theirs through the fence (which only lasts a few minutes)...their dog would enjoy barking back and running back and forth the fence line. We'd go over for a mimosa marathon brunch on sunny weekends and bring all the dogs to run around.
Neighbors behind us will often on the sunny weekends blast their music and they have people on every side out in their backyards --- everyone in their respective pools--- we all would like to hear our own music. It just feels rude.
We took treats, human and dog, when the new ones moved in with a note including our phone numbers, etc. in case we leave the garage door up, a sprinkler head is broken, or an escape pet. The current new neighbors are a bit prickly. Reasons being: always want a long talk and never asking reciprocal questions, take it to abrasive politics when they don't even know us or that they are being offensive, and giving tips on getting dog trainers, choke collars etc for our pugs because their german shepard is trained in german. They are A LOT.
Overall, on our street, people come home and go inside and stay to themselves. I wish we had more community.....who knows, maybe I should plan a block party.
We moved from Texas to a suburb north of Seattle about 14 years ago. It was a new housing development at the time and we have unique bonds with a few of the original owners, shared experiences with the history of these homes, the builder, and the bonkers HOA.
Over the years, we’ve grown and welcomed new families, their pets, and their children. We have a group chat for most people on our dead-end street to check in, ask to share driveways for parking spaces, and gossip.
During COVID, we’d have driveway happy hours on Friday nights where we’d have these moments of connection. I’ve never felt closer to my neighbors! (For better and for worse 🤣) And on the rare occasion when it snows, some of the husbands venture out to shovel the street and driveways.
Most of us are transplants, which likely influenced things—tipping the scales to friendlier interactions because Seattle natives are notoriously standoffish.
When one of our neighbors moved out of the neighborhood, their realtor even advertised this little neighborhood culture we’d built. Unfortunately, the people who moved in are hermits and slink around after dark, and it’s kind of altered the culture. And no shame! That’s totally their preference and I respect it.
But I’m surrounded by people I can ask for a cup of sugar, to pick up something at the store, or check in on our kitty. And I’m so thankful for that! In return, I offer banana bread, carrot cake, and other treats.
Community is something you build, actively and repeatedly. It takes each of investing a little bit in order to reap the rewards.
Previously in a condo community for 10 years, I knew my neighbors names, but didn't hang out. The main consideration was not throwing huge parties, not using all the guest parking, and trying to stay away from the crazy people on the HOA (insane pricey solutions to small problems).
Recently moved with husband and a kid to an established neighborhood in the same city - huge trees, tons of kids, a weird amount of wildlife since we're close to downtown, bought our home from an original owner who had passed. We know our neighbors and some we hang out with frequently, like bbq or egg hunts, cause our kids are similar ages. The neighbor across the street (another original owner) just died and I've been bereft. I probably only spoke to him 5 times, but saw him often, and he was just lovely.
It is tricky to figure out the frequency of hanging out with neighbors, when they know when you are home, but realistically many times you want to Netflix and chill. I've been trying to break into the neighborhood mom group (which my husband keeps confusing with the Neighborhood Womens Association, which is mostly retired women)- the mom group, everyone has similar aged kids, baby - early elementary. The street behind us - there's three houses without fences in the backyards. Everyone has kids and the kids sort of run wild between the three houses. It sounds both wonderful and my worst nightmare.
Growing up in a different large city in the south, we knew all of our neighbors and I liked it. It was fun to be able to walk three doors up and see if a friend could come play. I hope my kid has that experience too, so a lot of what we are doing is trying to foster that.
My husband is distinctive in his appearance - so everyone remembers him. Plus he is always doing slow cooks on his grill (brisket overnight, ribs, etc) - and you can smell it around the neighborhood. So far everyone mostly wants to come eat, and hopefully it isn't too annoying.
The only benefit to Covid was a built in reason to get to know our neighbors better. We’ve lived in our house for 15 years and while we’ve been friendly—waving hello, chatting while folks walked their dogs—we really made an effort during lockdown to reach out to folks on our block. I dusted off our propane firepit and we gathered every Friday night in our backyard for happy hour. Honestly, it was the type of neighborhood interaction I always wanted but didn’t consider pursuing. We are now good friends with two sets of our neighbors, including the ones right next door, to the point where we’ve celebrated holidays together, in addition to the rides to the airport, petsitting and watering gardens. It’s all the things (reassuring, fun, fortunate) to know that we can gather for impromptu drinks on occasion and rely on each other for help. When my husband talks about moving to a less expensive area, I am mindful that building these types of connections takes a lot of time and energy. We do all own our houses and most moved here in within the last 5-7 years or so, and that could make a difference in terms of people’s openness.
I live in rural Michigan. Our neighborhood has around 100 residents on the main and side streets. Many use the street to walk, both themselves and their dogs. I have some great neighbors I see daily. That being said, some are invasive. It's hard to get away from them. I'm polite and try to keep moving, but lately it's gotten so bad I ride my bike instead of jogging to stay moving - and one or two still try and keep blathering even as I say "gotta keep moving...".
We live in an HOA community - that has some major issues which also is a neighborly pain-in-the-ass thing.
This is the only neighborhood I've ever lived in (except when I was a kid) that most everyone knows one another and keeps tabs. I don't advise this way of living for everyone.
We're planning on moving - the next place won't be HOA, and I'll likely be less open if it's primarily made up of retired people, like this one is.
I have lived in this small town for almost two decades, but just moved 2-1/2 years ago to the one-lane road I always wanted to live on. Fortunately, there are only a dozen or so homes on this street (and a dozen or so on the parallel road whose back yards back up to our street), so I already knew most neighbors when I moved in. We had worked together on community projects, or socialized at other friendʻs homes. We live on large lots, houses set back from the road, so not much disturbs our neighbors other than the pig hunters chasing a boar too near a neighborʻs paddocks at night. We have a group text to check in when the water or power lines go out (more frequently than one would like). Dropping by unannounced is fine with any of the oldtimers, although newcomers are not quite used to that yet. None of us lock our doors because after all someone might need a tool from the shed or to drop off paperwork or a bag of fruit on our counter.
If you are walking on the road, with or without your dog, everyone driving by will slow down, then stop to chat. Even the workers heading towards someone elseʻs house will say hello and know your dog by name.
But currently two homes are on the market, and I actually had a weird dream about changes to the neighborhood last night! Which makes me think that maybe it would be good to write out a welcome letter that says "Here is what it means to be a good neighbor here. Welcome to our special place!"
My neighbor moved here from the west side and immediately parked a trailer in front of my south windows and is now building a ginormous shop that will block my sun and view of the mountains.
Here's my take on my neighbor Al.
https://open.substack.com/pub/kentpeterson/p/like-a-good-neighbaa?r=txq7&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web